Saturday, December 29, 2012


We put the adhesive chalkboard stuff Grandma gave Esme for Christmas up in the spaceship on one side.  Esme said it was just like the crayon and cloth the teachers use at schools - which is right.  She has been writing her name and giving 'lessons' to toys and the imaginary Cat in the Hat.  She brought a bag of small pom poms from some long ago birthday present in there in a bucket and said they were eggs from an alien planet, and would hatch into cats.  She brought her Daddy's new lantern she can easily operate into the spaceship and it looked VERY cool lit up in there.  She takes toys 'to space' often, and also sits in there to watch TV and eat chips.  She figured out the first day she could twist it around to face any direction she wanted so she could pretend her adventure while seeing us or the TV.  We watched John Carter the other day which secured more thoughts of aliens for her ;)

I am feeling small doldrums and also stress about work - after the holidays the mentalities and personalities are a little poisonous.  And my memory takes everything in, hard to filter it out at the time, it happens slowly over the course of days.  I was so glad to be back home in my own place, with my loves - and try to be secure in my own thoughts again without all of those bad influences.  I find that sometimes, like when I was in Duluth with my sister and was worried that I would disappear against her example - take on traits from her as I sometimes do, voice and language changes, thoughts as what they would do immediately answered by 'no - that is not me, that is them.'  I spent a lot of time alone as a child because I felt that too strongly - the fight between becoming those around me and what I felt was my real wants and needs.  There is still a strong sense of 'assimilate to the norm so you fit in'  there that is more obvious to me after I have been away from large groups for a while.  I don't want to assimilate.   However, the strongly expressed thoughts of everyone else seem to echo back and forth in my head when I would otherwise be happily quiet in my normal thoughts, my strange thoughts of connecting old French words to all other words I know, trying to explain 'new year' to Esme in astronomical terms finally working when all references to calendar or numbers failed or comparing two drain positions to stud locations and then finding a tub to fit it with a skirt and a heater.  These normal 'me' thoughts mix well, but not when they are interfered with by ideas of family and girlfriend/boyfriend fights overheard on phones and large groups of people talking about sports and talking about shopping.  I 'record' all of that and it bounces in my head for hours afterwards trying to find meaning in it - and it actually stresses me out some... which sounds very odd, but if I don't admit it then maybe someone else will think they are the only one that has that problem.  I could never live in a city - the audiovisual  'noise' coming back to me at later dates, in my 'photographic' memory, would be too much.  But, it is not a curse talent to have, either - just requires more doses of peace and quiet, and focus on deeper things to juxtapose and filter out all of the noise.  I wonder, at times, how much of this Esme has and as her language improves in the future, how I will recognize it if she tries to describe it herself.

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