At our House
I'm ranting here... and it's not pretty. so... this is me venting.
My mom called last night and really got on my case about not having brought Esme up to see her in Northern Minnesota yet. 'Esme won't know me. I AM her GRANDMA. Why don't I get to see her before I get too old? Well.. Mom... she's four and a half months old. Is she really going to remember this visit anyway? It's an 18 hour drive from here to there, even if you take it straight-through. I'm still not ready to do that yet with Esme, especially in the cold. Mom said she was really hurt and that SHE had brought my sister to see my grandma when she was born back in 1972... But my sister was born in July in Oklahoma, so I'm thinking that was easier!
Anyway.. Mom put the guilt trip on thick last night. *sigh* She keeps saying 'Well I guess I'll have to come down there if I want to see her.. ' and pouts.. Pictures aren't good enough, she wants to hold her. I tell her she can come here if she wants. Or, she can wait some more and we'll come up when the weather is warmer and we can arrange things for the dogs and the shop. She remembers this stuff for a few weeks at a time, then I have to explain it to her again.
*sigh* I know she wants to see Esme 'in-person'. I want her to see her too, but I don't feel the same rush. I don't like being in a large group of people and with my mom, that happens. I can put off the stress of that crowd of people I know she'll invite over when we DO visit... 'Rhe is coming up! Everybody come over! You HAVE to see the baby!' I'm thinking there will be about a dozen people in that house waiting for us to arrive. And then there will be more people we're obligated to visit the next day etc...
I need room to be the me I want to be, not the one you think I should be...
I know. Lots of excuses on my end of this. But I found when I became an adult some separation from my family was not just good, it was NECESSARY for my sanity. Even living an hours drive away from them was enough. That way I didn't have unexpected people dropping by my house every night and planned calendar days full of things I didn't agree to.
Some people probably would 'kill' for togetherness like that. *squeak* I'm not one of them? *squeak* I need some mental space to 'be me'. Call me on the phone, write letters every day... one person can visit... but please don't crowd in on me because then I nearly lose myself in what everyone wants/expects me to be. And that is worse than anything.. I have no voice when they all crowd in on me. That was a painful but important realization about my own character. I bend too easily to my family's ideal image of me, even when I'm trying really hard to be my own person. Keeping some distance is so far the only thing I've found to remedy it. Lately I've started speaking my true mind to my mom, without filtering it through the 'what does she expect of me'. Of course, that just gets her mad at me usually... but at least I'm getting some points across to her, for short periods of time at least.
There will be a Minnesota visit. I'm just not sure when. And I don't feel like being rushed into it before we're ready, because then none of us will enjoy it at all.
OK, I'm done whining now. *sigh*
6 comments:
I am glad you are sticking to your guns. I agree if you let them rush you and esme you won't enjoy and there will be residual resentment.. which is NEVER fun! I admire you for being aware of your own feelings, their root and how it affects you. Many would just see the frustration and pressure, not the whys (groups, scheduling, pressure to be someone else etc). It is also a big thing that you understand where your mom is coming from. That can be tough sometimes.
Stay patient and persistent with it. From what I can tell you are amazing who you are, I would be sad to blog-visit and find you've been "mom-ized". :)
I feel your pain. I mean, really, really feel it. Not most of the time, but right now with the imminent arrival of our baby and family wanting to crowd in and be involved. I fear being in the hospital and being bombarded with family when all I want is some mommy, daddy, baby bonding time or maybe just a nap.
It is hard, because a lot of my issue is with Kyle's family. I can tell my family to get out of my space, but with his family everything tends to be on eggshells to avoid offending anyone.
So I'm sorry for you, big crowds bug me as well, and hope your mom will be receptive to you being more "you".
Good luck!
Your mom doesn't remember what it's like traveling with an infant. And just because she did it with your sister, doesn't mean either of them enjoyed it.
I feel you! I have a similar dispute with my family and my in-laws. I usually give it. Good for you for holding your ground. I am starting to do the same and it feels good.
I've always thought that when one has a brand new baby, it's the family's job to come over if they want to see the child. It's too hard for a new baby to make long trips. I'm with you all the way.
Most mothers, no matter what the age, can certainly remember being sleep deprived and just plain tired with a new baby. I'm so sorry your mother chooses to forget this. And fwiw, it WAS easier in her day. You didn't have federal guidelines on child safety in cars etc.
My heart goes out to you. I drive 45 miles to see my grandchildren because it's darn hard for them to take the time out of their family schedule to drive to me. Sorry, KnitOwl's Mom; it IS up to you to do the driving now.
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