the norm

 just thoughts...

'the norm' amount of language learning I do per day seems like a lot on a day when I'm running a full mail route - and like 'ok, now what' on a day off... but that is a pretty good balance

except that I sit here and don't want to go to the garden, or to any big project, not even to crocheting on my project, or to cooking... there are things I could do, oh yes - but when I think of them they seem like huge tangles of yarn that would take forever to do something with and I do not want to start... yet I know when I start, it will feel different.  And there are things I could worry about, waiting for the mechanic to call etc.. and again, tangles, with just as much acceleration once I begin so I hold my handbrake hard and stare at the chess board waiting for something to leap up and scream it has to be done

but I got myself out today and got the animal feeds for the week, and a few groceries, and gas in that same vehicle that is having the issue - while we wait for the other one to come back, and then all of the chess moves that were required for the day (and still hard to start, because yes, I had left the tail lights on the other night for two hours (it is a spring mechanism in the mail truck), and I feared I would have to charge the battery, but I didn't.. so with that threshold jumped over, I went and did the things).  The tail lights are a minor minor issue, the leaking fuel injector - only during certain moments, not all the time - is what needs to be looked at next.

 

Then, I sit down and stare at the computer again... sent a little French to Esme over the server, even opened up Stardew valley for the first time since before last Christmas... and I feel like I'm wasting time but I don't want to start anything big, again.  It's a strange feeling.  I've done dishes and laundry, ran errands, studied French, and Spanish, and Russian and Latvian today, and still, I feel like I didn't do much because I avoided scrubbing the floor or sorting out everything in the world that needs to be sorted out etc etc.. I take a step back, and look at it all, and say : There's still dinner to be made.  But I did get something for that when I was out.

 

I did finally attain level 25 in Welsh on Duolingo, did that all before 6 am.. before 'real time', time other things are open and other people are awake - feels different.  And I also know I could be sleeping during that.. but when I'm up, sometimes, I'm just up.

did a Spanish test that put me at A2 (I'm B1 in French, and it goes A1, A2, B1, B2, C1, C2), better than nothing, but I do know I need to practice a lot more, and that my B1 could be even better in French if I would just buckle down on grammar

 

Walking Up and Down

 

I go out to the world

to the garden, to the road

allay little fears here, and there

check on this plant, these details

do the chickens have fresh water?

did I leave the tail-lights on again?

are the lettuce plants being eaten?

is there any fluid leaking under the car? 

and are those windows rolled up as well?

is the rain pooling inside the garage again?

was the mail delivered today after I came by?

have all of our animals come in from the rain now? 

I am walking through the little pathways of my mind

trying to tell it that it does not need to jump up and down

perhaps, the hours of the clock will slip by

perhaps, dinnertime will sort itself

perhaps, fear can take a rest

perhaps, I can enjoy calm

for a moment

perhaps

 sigh, no, not I

and I climb the stairs again