Sunday, May 05, 2024


 bits, raw material - it's been a long weekend and I've been very tired - but was talking to someone at work about anxiety attacks, and how yes, of course when you have one you want it to stop, but take the other half of the coin that it is telling you something - something that needs to be fixed (although, sometimes honestly you have to accept what cannot be fixed and fix what can- and that is another discussion)... and she should think on if she wants the anxiety attack to go away (of course) or to find out, like unfolding origami, what is at the heart of them, as the attack is a symptom, and it will lessen once the source has been worked on...  suggested journalling (well, I almost did, then talked about something I had written, and SHE suggested she could journal, which is even better) and writing down the date, and looking back at it at regular intervals, to sort 


also: the date on the writing is important, because things change, and when you read it again you might 'feel yourself tugging the rope from the other side'.. sort of like pulling a rope that is in a hole, and feeling a tug on it from the other side, and that is you pulling as well, and eventually, you figure out what the hole is - but it's never easy to see it from one side or the other, and only by doing this a lot, will that help develop some sort of foresight and understanding that you don't get any other way


Pull the rope from both sides
Gently if you must
But do not let loose
It is only by pulling threads
Back and forth across time
That we weave any cloth
That will support the weight
Of all that is this life

The other thing I told her - that I have to think harder on, because we had already discussed the origami thing - is that what is the root of the thing that makes her wake up or even just be sitting and suddenly the anxiety swoops down on her - journalling might help track that - really thinking in the moment might... and it might not... but she has had a lot of changes, seen people around her have problems, and one of them passed on - and other worries with her car and who knows, and had to go ahead alone sometimes when she was in the middle of them and figure out what to do... 
I told her that one thing to keep in mind - on the topic of journalling, and seeing who you were then, what has changed, and where you want to go etc..
We aren't supposed to stay the same, none of us are, we are - and this might sound syrupy (but think about it) - we are meant to be ever-expanding butterflies'  always changing, that is what being a human really is...

 a drawing I made a few years ago, framed, put in the gallery for a while, and it didn't sell - had it on a shelf here and decided to put it up in the gap under the shelf where the cabinet had stood, as I can see that from my desk chair and also first thing I get out of bed in the morning... so it is a very good 'real estate' for putting something up that I put work into - and presentation as well - and now I want to have out where I can see it
For myself today not much - ran route yesterday and packages today -  have been very tired the past two days with overcast weather and I have not stepped harder on the cleaning I started - but I did a lot with that, and do plan to return some to it... this next week will not be too hard but it will not have a long stretch of open days in it, either - up and down, although we will need to get groceries one of these days as well, we've been using up leftover things.  Esme and Mark made fudge this afternoon.  I've been going to bed as early as possible trying to find a way to get enough sleep - as it seems I want to sleep the hardest between 4 and 7 am, and I need to be up at 5:30... so maybe that will kick over if I just keep trying.
About to make Esme some dinner and watch a bit of TV with Mark, throw the laundry over to the dryer and head to bed early again. 

Language : So much Welsh (at advanced level), bit German, Czech and Romanian

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