Friday, December 20, 2019


What progress you ask, have I made?  I am learning to be my own friend.  (Seneca, Letters from a Stoic, quoting Hecato).

It is Friday.  I did some more knitting yesterday, and woke up three times in the night with my hands numb in the first three fingers but it went away.  *blows air up face*  I finished the washcloth and put several more inches onto the lap blanket.

I helped Mark pull wires through the attic and ceiling, and he took all of his computers downstairs, while keeping the internet to the computers upstairs.  That was a feat.  I am looking frward to having some extra space up here soon that I can organize my own things.  I want larger areas of workspace that are not all stuffed with boxes, and wall space I can hang up 'to do' clipboards for different subjects, another bulletin board and tape up drawings and ideas to keep my head organized.  I don't like having so much 'above' my head in a room - especially heavy and packed things... I said  I should write a book about the differences in our workspaces.. wrote a little this morning from my point of view, get some interviews from others to see what they think etc.

Esme is now on break for WEEKS.. until January the 6th.
My big project begins December 30th.

For some reason I dreamed of tapioca last night.
In retrospect - I was trying to make this Tapioca pudding recipe but without the spices, and on a stove top.  It came out like a mush that was between fried potato and something else.  I'll add I've never cooked this in my life, but the ingredients match up

I was mixing tapioca powder with butter and sugar and egg to make a fried dish for my siblings (of which I had four, all younger than I in the dream, not real) and trying to cook beans and greens and other things in another pan at the same time in another room to get the meal together on one big plate for us all to split - because mother would not be home and there would be no food if I did not make it.. and it was a small amount of everything but it was what we had and I was the only one who could cook.  The tapioca thing was very strange... I do not cook with that don't even know what I was making but in the dream I did.

In a later dream I was looking all over for something to eat at a school I was attending, some trip we were on to a college etc.. and I saw 'tapioca chicken, 14.00' on a menu, and was then looking around in all of the other food court areas and vending machines and little convenience store for tapioca pudding or something like it that wasn't expensive because that was what my mind was set on... eventually when I found somewhere half of the boxes on the shelf had been split open and dried long ago and only the few on the top were anywhere near negotiable for food anymore.. and I took all of the boxes off the shelf and left them on the counter in a goopy mess so that someone would see it, embarrassed to be leaving a mess but thinking that someone had better know about it because it had obviously been going on so long...

my dreams apparently are so very cinematic.  I started the childhood trauma book last week and was sorting through some of my anxieties.. my mom has showed up in my dreams since then.  But it is different.  I don't wake up afraid or guilty or needing to rescue her...mostly I'm confused and some pretty silly stuff has happened that let me know immediately that the dream 'mom' is not my mom and my brain is doing some strange song and dance working things through.  last night she was a baby shirley temple style in a blue dress dancing at the edge of my bed flouncing her ruffled skirts up and kicking her knees up saying 'do you see me now?'  after popping her head down from the ceiling and scaring me out of sound sleep like the heads in Spirited Away that bounce around in the witche's lair

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