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There is a lie I tell myself about pain because it was told to me when I was young.  I was told that whatever pain I was feeling, it was not more than anyone else around me, there was no way it could be, because I was too young to feel joint or bone pain and it would get worse when I was truly old.  I found out that it was a lie when I was about seventeen and fractured my wrist.  It hurt, but I was not screaming.  It hurt like something was wrong, and since the tae kwon do instructor saw the injury, he had called my parents to bring me to the emergency room.

When I got there, they took x-rays.  Then the nurse looked me over and she had a weird look on her face.  She asked me how much it hurt.  I said something was wrong that they should check it out, but that if I held it, it was probably okay.  She grabbed my wrist and banged it on the table and I yelped, and then continued my normal tense-grit-teeth after that.  She went and got the doctor and they explained my arm was fractured and would need a brace for three weeks at least.  Not only that, but there was evidence that my wrist bad been badly fractured before, and not treated.  I couldn't recall any 'serious' time except when I jumped out of a treehouse when I was eight, after having been left there by my cousin and siblings and Mom was having a freak out because I would not answer her yells.

I don't remember ever anything more than 'don't hurt yourself, stop crying, of course it hurts you jumped out of the treehouse'.. and holding my wrist the same way I do often to make it feel better.  So the lie is that I can feel more pain than others and still look the same as they do, mostly act the same as they do, and unless things are actually falling off or septic, I very well might be nursing a broken bone or holding a cut shut with medical tape and it would be very hard for anyone to tell at all unless they know exactly what to look for, or bang my arm on the table.

But when I actually do get to the point where something hurts very badly, like a tooth or a joint out of place.. I still find myself repeating the pain lie to get through it.  Other people feel this way all the time - it will go away - this is normal pain.  But the part my doctors and dentists don't seem to understand is that the pain sometimes does go away - temporarily.. through a pressure point? or nerve deadening or some mental trick... I can function.  That confuses all of my descriptions of pain, because honestly it is hard to judge what is going on even from my own point of view.

I had someone notice yesterday I was using a pressure point unconsciously to stop my wrist from hurting after a hard strain.  I knew what she was talking about but was not aware I was doing anything but 'holding the hurt' as I do.. but yes, that is a key pressure point for pain for the arm and shoulder and I was holding it down to make it feel better.  I can't even properly metabolize most pain medications - so they aren't going to help..  it is lucky to have sometimes found something 'zen' or Jedi that does work.  I sometimes press on my jaw or neck on one side when the teeth are hurting, and that is another pressure point, right there.  So it isn't all bad, but it does lead to some bad things like living with tooth abcesses etc which could turn out to be something much worse untreated than a fractured wrist.