Beautiful January day

It was a beautiful day outside - and we played in it for a while today. Then we went to visit some new friends, and Esme had a good time playing with them. She was very happy playing with the 1 year old little boy and then warmed up to the girl (who is a little younger than her and was feeling worried about her toys so Esme sensed to back off for a while...) as well and was running all over the house with them within a few hours. She didn't want to leave, though - she said it made her 'not feeling any good' to have to leave them there and that her green house was not home anymore when she was not feeling good. Well, at least that is communication! She didn't mean it, though... we took the purple shovel into the bathtub with her and she made 'soap soup' in the shovel and chicken pie. We are going to go out to Jackson tomorrow with Grandma and Grandpa.

Also - she fell asleep before 9 o clock pm. That, is amazing.

She also said she was a 'Futurama lady' but I couldn't understand the name she was saying. I asked if it was Leela or Amy ... and then said it couldn't be Fry because he was a man. Esme said, no kidding: 'The rocks turn Fry to a lady, once', and held up her finger to me with her little 'aha' look. We watched that episode once a few weeks ago, and then she suddenly remembers that... Yes, the rock aliens did change everyone's gender in that episode, and then they changed them back.

What a day. Let's see what we do tomorrow.

The Update on the language testing I spoke with the language tester briefly the other day. She could not tell me much, as she wants an official meeting to see what we can do for Esme through the school district. The next time our schedules meshed is not until the 17th of February. That is a long time. I did ask her to tell me 'something', and she said she actually had 'good' vocab, 'decent' speech sounds (just a few off, that are normal to be off at this age), no major hearing problem, but she 'did qualify for services' because of a vast difference between her receptive and expressive language abilities. She scored 'very high, nearly all of them' on her receptive language. She is getting the message loud and clear. But, she scored 'a bit lower than expected/average' on expressive language. I'll know more specifics when that meeting happens.

In short: she is understanding a LOT, unable to express much of what she wants to, and it is frustrating her. She tries to express what she can with the words she knows - and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't... The lady did not say this but we know she is highly creative, because she uses words in combinations that approximate what she means - but often in 'Engrish' sounding ways because she does not remember/know the 'usual' form of saying what she means ie: today 'My friends no come with us, they stay there, in the door (their house). I am no feeling any good now.' It takes a second longer to process that type of sentence - but the meaning is clear. Not all of her approximations are this clear, that was a really good one.

Add this with the wide range of things she remembers - but may not be able to express what she is trying to 'connect' to the present at any given time... yes, I can see where all the angst and argument is coming from lately. Her expressions of displeasure and disagreement make it much harder to work through the day, but at least they are expressions - we try to work through them, and help her understand. It is better than her bottling it up and/or throwing frustration fits we have no idea what they are about at all. I will go to the meeting to see what the lady offers, and what kind of activities she thinks would benefit Esme the most. If she wants her to come back once a week for exercises (like I did for speech when I was little) I'm not sure if we could do that with my schedule, and I'm not sure if they'd let us do it when the schedule did meet up. But - knowing where to 'put my finger on the issue' will help a lot in itself... knowing it is not a different issue, not trying to treat a broken leg when there is just a cold etc...

remember to do this...

more often: Pick up Esme first thing I get home and drive her up the road to see the beautiful pink sunset before it goes away :)

I want to call the speech lady tomorrow morning before I need to go to work, and find out if she has any results. On Tuesday after 11:30 one of the girls at work will call us to come play with her little ones.. we hope. I haven't told Esme about this yet because last time we set it up Esme got her last cold the day before and I had to withdraw. Wednesday, we go to Jackson with Grandma and Grandpa.

weekend...

Off to work early again, yesterday was a very hard and busy day. Esme was in a much better mood, though. I am looking forward to a few days off in the middle of next week. I have fixed my old laptop and gave it to her a few days ago - to replace the one that died before - she is so happy. I should have done it much earlier. I have not sewn up the shirt or cut the jumper out. Esme's cardigan from last year has paint on the sleeve and a run at the elbow.. I should get knitting again on her replacement. I have the back of it done but nothing else.

bits and bobs

We still have not received any results from the language or hearing tests. I think she is waiting for Monday now. But, I've realized that in the past few days a lot of what Esme has done for 'testing limits' and such has been because she is on the verge of another growth spurt. This spurt has a lot to do with language - which is why I have focused on it myself.

A lot of her upset is about things she cannot explain and/or get enough information to calm herself about the topic. ie: monsters, sickness and injuries, people 'stealing' things, buildings being torn up by weather or earthquake etc... She wants to fix people who are sick, and to cook and share food and make everyone happy -- but she also thinks that she is too little and can't help to do the things she needs to do... She worried Mama talking to the 'doctor lady' at the 'school' meant she was sick, also because the other children there were handicapped and it scared her. She still wanted to play, and is so very sweet adapting to almost anyone on their level - no one can believe she barely ever sees other kids. She steps right in and 'mothers' younger kids sometimes but also really loves a group of lots of different ages and any sort of rough-and-tumble. She cried softly one day and said she wanted to 'see her real friend' - a girl we saw at the library she does not know if she will see again etc... She also worries that Mama will not be able to protect her in a terrible weather/accident... more to me than to Mark, but sometimes to him as well (directing him through parking lot traffic sometimes)

It boils down to this - she picks up more than she can emotionally process, because part of her mind is five or six and the other part (especially emotions and communication) is still two or three. This is partially why I have kept such good records over the years - she has never followed the 'regular schedule' on almost anything. It makes everything harder! Sometimes I don't know what to expect on any given day - and when we are in 'spurts' it can be worse. She does not fully understand things that bother her emotionally and/or interprets it in a different way until I can set her straight. And having what seems to be my photographic memory she remembers things we would never think she could - and often puts an old memory and new information together with uncanny speed, also sometimes in a way we would not have guessed. It can be very hard to calm an unspoken fear or address an unspoken 'grudge' she has (like now she thinks I knit at work instead of give tubs and toilets to people... long story).

//added// I will also add that 'asynchronous' makes it harder sometimes to talk about Esme in some company without editing out anything that is not normal for her age group. Hmm.. it was not something I was prone to do at first - Mark says I shouldn't do it at all, but sometimes I feel that others in the room are worried. I do overworry, I admit - it is the Minnesota no-conflict girl coming out there. For example - at work there is an older man who has 3 and 5 year old grandsons. They live with him, and he is very defensive about them. Whenever he overhears me talking to someone else about Esme, and the topic turns to something that is closer to the abilities of the older one - he goes somewhere between haughtily ignoring me for the day or a rude outburst denying that could be possible at that age. And he should know better - because no two kids are EVER the same.. and all kids do progress differently. Some, more differently. I try to avoid saying anything when he is around now...

Another lady 'ES' has chided and disparaged me many times because she thinks I have 'not let Esme be normal'. She thinks cable TV is necessary for normality.. among other things, and I generally disagree a lot with her. She has five children and thinks she knows everything there is to know about development. *sigh* I get a LOT of bad advice that I try to completely ignore from her. Esme is what she is - in all of her different stages at once. Sometimes it takes a different approach to make things work for/with her.

It all saddens me - but I do have some 'safe places' that understand. (A good friend who calls on the phone and talks about Star Wars included!) Another is a group of UK/Australian and American parents that started on Babycenter. I tapped them once there about Esme's sign language and instead of being burned I was welcomed in - they sometimes daily keep me from being frazzled. And we can talk there about joy/fear over 'evening out' (when things catches up to age mates) as well as the things that are just too hard to deal with at certain ages. For example: one five year old was found recently reading a very inappropriate book (dark science fiction) and understanding it enough to scare herself silly... there were a lot of good responses all of the moms could use from that board. And more like that. I'll post a quiet 'thank you' to board organizer Hannah for reaching back to me all that time ago, and more since.

bits

We have had a bit better attitude since yesterday... glad for the turnaround, and hope it lasts. I have not heard the results from the speech tester. The yellow/green fabrics I ordered from Sew Fine Fabrics on Etsy has arrived. It arrived very quickly, indeed! I have cut out a shirt from the sheep fabric and the other fabric is ready to cut another night. Normally I would have cut and sewn the shirt - but I was feeling a little drained. I sat and sewed yarn tails up on unfinished washcloths while Esme blew bubbles downstairs and played 'let's go to Jackson' with her bus and people figures. She did not cry as much this time when I had to go to sleep before her.

beginning Thursday

I am still being tested by Esme's attitude today. She is being obstinate and upset when things and the order in which they are done, are not under her control. She is pretending to be sick, and to be dead, and then races after you across the house when that is ignored. She is being four. And Mama is just tired :( I would like my days off to be spent doing things we like and have fun at - not a constant power struggle all day trying to fend off growls and crying and 40 lb masses stolid on my kitchen carpet.

We are considering bringing her to the library today - and I did fix her Starfall computer which has been broken for months and placed it back on her desk. And still - I am met with howls and bad attitude.