dans bits et morceaux

 

Yesterday I was on the postal route and two ladies were in the parking lot, one on the ground and the other on their hands and knees, looking up underneath a car - when I had delivered the mail they were coming back in the place, and asked me what I would do to get a kitten out from inside the workings of the car.  I gave a good effort myself but could not see anywhere to pull the kitten through, made a few calls for them to get advice, asked someone to put out a request on FB.  When the lady first asked me I felt that 'time-tug' that I could go on my way, I'm doing things - but there will be a reverse tug later that says 'you didn't even try' and that will be something that will just repeat and repeat in my head - as those things do.  So, I gave it a good try - and I still didn't succeed for them, but there wasn't anything else I could think to do, so finally I continued on with my route.  After finishing the route, two other carriers were having heat stroke symptoms and getting treated by an ambulance - and that made my decision that I would not go back out there again to the place and try again for the kitten - because I hadn't been able to personally get it the first time, and couldn't think of anything else to suggest other than the things I did when I was there.  I would hope someone else would be able to move them a bit further along the line and that they could get the little one out - but I called after I got home and it was still stuck, and they were still trying to get some authority out there to help (they kept getting turned down over the phone which is why they asked me)

But that is a big thing for me - and I realize that is a difference between me and other people --  other people say 'I kept my peace by saying no' and are proud of the statement...  and I'm standing here saying that statement does not make sense in of itself  'just saying 'no' can't possibly be peaceful in general - there are so many variables, don't you keep yourself up at night with all the variables?'  

------------------------

I'm a classic overthinker - and I've found over the years, a neurodiverse person.  I go through more what-if scenarios in three seconds over minimal things than most people think of all day.  It took me a long time as a kid to realize other people don't do this - and I still have a hard time imagining what actual cognition - thinking would be without it.  So saying 'I said no, so I had peace' is like saying 'I didn't jump, so I kept my foot' There's a big piece of that original statement missing.   For me, there's not enough information there to say what decision was actually made.  But then - was a decision actually made?  Avoidance, not making a decision, is a decision as well, but that goes into some more philosophy.

And because I think out-of-the-box from the middle out, to all possible things I can think of at this moment forward and back, that is why I overwhelm some people when they do ask me for help.  This is why when I can't possibly think how to help more I have a hard time tearing myself away, but then when that happens over and over with a certain situation I just remove myself from the whole thing if possible - and then from the outside I know that looks like the above.  Again, variables - it's all variables and no simple answer.  It would feel less like reality, wouldn't it, if it was a simple answer?  That's when things get suspect, when the answer proposed is too cut and dry / black and white.  //philosophy

But because I know this about myself - I do what works for me better.   I keep my peace by saying 'I tried' or 'I thought through all the combinations possible' (until someone invents time travel *ha*) - and it is when I don't do this that I don't have peace.   I am so much more of a looming shadow over myself, way too often, than any other person could be - because of: wherever I go, there I am.

------------------------

It is also Father's Day today, and I do have to go do some more packages in the heat - but that is a very different thing than having to do the mail AND the packages.  For one thing: you can keep the windows up and the air conditioning on and just drive directly to and get out where you need to put packages out.  With doing the mail you always have the window down and are always in the hot with your arms out to the boxes every few minutes.  I used sunscreen yesterday and brought two forms of drink AND a backup bottle of water - so I didn't have as much of the issue I had on Friday.  I hope I can bring home some bit of candy or other thing for Mark after work today - and then we plan on going out to do a few things tomorrow (Monday).

I was able to water the garden yesterday when I got home - and things are looking pretty good out there.  Not lush, but good for low-maintenance 'I do other things most of the time' garden.  The collards are starting to sprout, and half of the sprouts I was given to put in the deep garden are surviving.  A couple of sunflowers from a random packet Mark had given me a few years ago were making a good effort in a hill in the strawberry patch.  There is a cucumber started, and lots of little cherry tomatoes, and a few peppers that might be big enough to harvest tomorrow.  I need to cut out that rose vine and put it in a pot so I can give it to somebody on Monday - but I don't want to cut back the entire thing because our starts in the other pots were not doing so well.

  

I did Russian, French and Spanish yesterday but skipped Greek mostly - I took a review on Czech vocab on babadum to help sort out what special characters we need to put in a 3d printed tile set.  Mark wanted me to work out the statistics for how many I would need to be a good 'scrabble' type set for Czech, Greek and Cyrillic characters.  I realized, working with Duolingo vs the vocab on babadum I really don't have as many Czech words as I thought I did, and that some more practice would be good there.

March

 

 

thought board 3-27

Oh, it's been a month.  It's been a month that has felt like three.  There have been weeks I've been working the entire week, running postal routes (9 days straight this time, actually) - and I have just not had much time for anything, and there have been days I've worked towards goals, and very few days staring into space.  Had a few very good conversations this month.  E and I have cooked some interesting things and talked about things, as well.  

 

Had some lovely notable 'flow' times sorting and interleaving postal routes to get multiple package routes done at once.  That uses the best parts of my visual spatial brain to the best effect.. but it's also, few and far between that I get to 'play' at that high of RPM and have it actually be useful.

Did French mostly (you can tell it's been busy when I say that), and then threw in some Spanish, German, Italian and Hungarian as side dishes at times.  I completely forgot about Portuguese - even though I just got that big thick textbook - why do I do that to myself?  Finally put the repair parts together on the basketball hoop.  My truck's transmission continues to wheedle down - but last time the mechanic said 'it'll do' and I disliked that comment, when I know it is failing.. *sigh*

Simon and His Boat, collage

Tried several new types of pencils - Derwent Chromaflow and CastleArts - liked both of them, they add a lot to the drawings.  Also tried tan and blue toned papers, and am experimenting more with them.  Added four or five colors of paint to my mix, and a gold paint pen.  I know I have to work more on the big project for the gallery but it has fallen to the side -BUT - I did get the pieces entered and ready for the Artist Showcase that starts April 2nd at the Paris, TN public library.  I just have to drop those things off now.

I did a little more work on the Sam the Cat book, about intensity and synesthesia, using my new story board easel to tape up mini paintings and try to organize so I can tell the entire story the way I want to.  I got some great ideas when I played with DALL-E last fall for adding Rosa in as more of a character, with her own gifts as well - and I'm enjoying imagining that and the richness that adds.

 

this hoop had been thrown away, and the person said that their son didn't want to fix it - so I found the repair parts online, and ordered them, and put it up in our yard.  It was heavy - and Mark had to help a lot moving it - but I hope we can get a lot of use out of it.  I used to love to shoot hoops with my brother when I was a kid.  E has a remarkable long-arm shot I didn't know she had.  I was so impressed!

 

A discussion about how I see the mind working - this sketch took about an hour to make and is on 16x20 paper.  I then ran it through DALL-E myself and came out with these, that I liked:

 Another artist / author David Wakeham had done his own AI version of the concept and I really liked what he had come up with, as well:

did a few of the little mini paintings of places I zoom by on the postal route - this one is sort of a house out on Bells Store Road, but the more I look at it in real life I feel I've smashed two places together, and it requires a bit more work.  But then I keep looking at Paris Pike and saying that place is so beautiful as well.  I want to go to the downtowns and spend an afternoon sketching buildings - but there is never enough time, good weather, and vehicles I am always worrying about 'using it up' which ties strings around me... I know it shouldn't.  It still does.  So I end up drawing and writing things at 3 am, instead.

experimenting with different paints, pencils and so forth

 

thought board 3-16

This is inspired 'Für Elise' by Beethoven, in four or five colors of paint

bit

We had an eventful morning.. try again for the zoo on another day.  Mark demonstrated his excellent road skills and made me aware I need to practice them more, too.  Esme is up at Grandma's house and I went out to the garden to weed corn and mark some plants to *especially* save seed from later...  I should finish the second pair of pants I abandoned halfway through last night.  My right hand is green as grass and probably will be quite sore later tonight... and my shoulders will be glowing with sunburn.

Tomorrow is 5:30 am sunrise - I checked... and contemplated more in the garden while I was down in the corn pulling grass, on places I have been over time, and the memory of being at the experiment station down in the corn and pumpkins weeding and stealing shade in the plant rows in the middle of the afternoon....cold water evaporating on skin that was beginning to speak of sunburn and dust sticking up to the elbows in the splatter pattern, the smell of grass and roots and the sound of water gurgling down into holes that are invisible to the eye..carrying water again and again over the land tracing the same steps lightly and carefully through the field while leaning lopsided to balance the bucket weight.  That is a muscle memory that still 'feels' the same even twenty years later...  I didn't quite appreciate it as much back then - when I was fourteen - but I do now, and the moments string forward to me across the years as I unwind a vine from this or seek the roots of a weed there...   I imagine living in an endless summer to just grow corn and pumpkins and beans all year long... and think about time travel being in actuality this specific skill - to pull a moment forward and 'mix' it across all the years and learn more from time in a 'stack' of moments year after year.   That is because this is how my memory works -- a moment is only a moment because you have done something in it that 'sticks' and it can pull you back to it time and again - a twisted stitch or stop in a seam, looking deeply and seeing light shining a certain way, unexpected discoveries, a word of advice that suddenly makes things clearer and purposeful...

This is the time of the year I am the most contemplative...my habit to be reflective and think about 'being' in general.  As I weeded I thought distinctly of the moment last year watching the sun rise over the Duluth cityscape, receiving a beautiful birthday text from Mark, but not liking where I was, who I was with or what I was faced with and feeling all of the buoys of my spirit, Mark, Esme, home... were far away from me.. they were somewhere, safe, .. but I wanted to get back to them and could not yet.  I remember pulling the jacket around me...feeling 'bare' as the other clothes we had worn were in the washing machine, seeing people stream by in vehicles as the morning just barely lightened, and being whistled at for being out on the street with a newspaper that early in the morning...    I am home this year and where I want to be - family safe, corn in the garden growing, sewing on the table in the house... and time in time, to feel the sun rise up and turn.
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

//In Other News//  :  The Cherokee White Eagle corn is almost as tall as the Glass Gem corn, although they were planted two weeks apart.  The Peaches and Cream Sweet Corn is tasseling and silking.. while the Mandan Bride mixed Indian corn is tasselling at half the height and no silks yet to be seen.  The Japonica corn (planetd just after the Glass Gem) is just as tall as the Smoke Signals corn... and the Pink Hopi Corn is hanging on in the very back of the garden.  I should have kept better records on it all - but tied some orange tags around some stalks to indicate that I think they are doing better than their peers and I should save their seed for next year. 

The pea crop is excellent - our first in many years, maybe ever for me, that has produced 'food'... I did not keep them separate either, the Mammoth Melting sweet peas seem to be the ones that are dying off now and the Wando Peas are the ones that are just starting to go gonza... the Bosnian Bean is starting to put on beans and is wandering as high as it can - over six feet.  Shackamaxon beans starting to climb, the King of the Early have flowers on them already.. lots of green tomatoes getting ready, cucumbers.. the zucchini family is not doing very well out there - very little produce but there is some.

When your Puppy Eats your Swing, you Improvise

Loula the puppy ate the seat off of our tree swing. Actually, she just chewed it from the super-strong woven straps it was on and carried it away. But, Esme has not let that stop her from making use of the leftover straps. She was proud to show me what she has been doing with those arm muscles...







I think she might have a career in gymnastics ;) just kidding. I was in it as a kid and was quite impressive at the uneven bars.



What actually impressed me the most was not her setting this all up herself in front of me to show me her trick - but the way she grasped both straps in her hands and 'walked' her fingers up until she had a good foot of each strap below her hands - she took a long and deliberate time doing this and looking at the ground before she actually made her jump. She was calculating her distance and arc by experience - if I grab this much strap I won't hit the ground when I swing. Now that's some thought process kid!



note: also, I find balloon strings wrapped around everything lately. I blow them up for her (helium tank left over from a birthday two years ago!) and give her one every once in a while. While she has not learned to tie knots she has figured out that if you wrap the string around something about fifteen times it tends to stay put - and our porch, the swing straps, even the refrigerator door have been 'hit' by balloon wrappings lately. I found one balloon with the string stuck in the kitchen cupboard door the other day - because she didn't want it getting away from her while she played with something else for a while.


purple silks on the field corn


the west field

The drought has taken a big bite out of both of my experimental corn fields this year. This field has only gotten about three feet tall but there are some very small ears still happening in there. I guess it would be important to keep seed from this just for drought tolerance. The purple silks on a few of them interest me - is it the genetics, or the 'hot' acidity of the soil? I planted mostly black and blue kernel corn here to see what would happen. Now that I'm on vacation I am making sure it is getting some extra water to do what it can. Read up on it - purple silks means a phosphate deficiency. I can solve that with a little epsom salts - already have some from the cucumbers last year.


sad little main garden

This is the 'main garden' after the drought and all of the clearing out of things that had died. I have replanted some things but it will be hard going with the hot dry weather we are still having (although there were rains a week or so ago). Still, there are bees and butterflies and hummingbirds and goldfinches enjoying the sunflowers, zinnias and bean flowers. And at that, it is still worthwhile even if the new plantings do not do much. Planted experimental field corn plot #2 yesterday in front of the sunflowers. Beans coming up everywhere from last week - corn coming up.... pulling in sunflower heads to dry every few days and getting nearly an entire quart jar of dried black seed already. The lemon sunflowers have a strange blue-gray tinge to them which keeps them separate from the other - there is maybe a small relish jar half full of those seeds.


lemon sunflower head

notes and language exercises for Esme

Grandpa is in the hospital again. Grandma, Daddy and Esme will go see him again in the big city today. I have to work. I hope they can get his flu and etc. under moderation.

I have been working some the past month with Esme - it seems to be working for several reasons. 1.) she was already in a spurt (big one) 2.) she is in an 'acceptable' mood and will take direction and corrections lately without too much frustration ie: she is listening and understanding. I am asking her to describe pictures she sees and also talking a lot more about what we are doing and asking her to repeat it from her point of view. I am hearing much more complete sentences and the big thing - she is slowing down to think a sentence through instead of just charging along. She does still sometimes charge along - I heard 'I not the Esme's nose does not hurting.' today, but it is balanced with things like 'I having your hands full with soup and milk and I carry the juice.' That is closer, and takes a lot of think for a little one! She also made a funny comment about a blister I had on my foot. Mom - you have a cat scratch there. A cat scratched you? I told her it was from using my foot a lot at work - walking for a long time. She said 'It is bad your foot is hurt from walking, but good - because you were walking carrying food in the WalMart, at work!' Uh huh.. we had a discussion again that Mama works at the house building place and that makes the money they give me - so that we can go buy the food in the WalMart and carry it home. She thought for a few minutes, and then agreed. Yesterday we had a discussion about why she could not 'I ride and you drive and we take food for lunch and I sit and you work.' etc.. I told her she could not come to work with me, even if she was good and sat still, because I could not watch her there. Someone could come and take her, or she could get hurt while I worked on the computer or moved tubs and toilets etc.. Finally she reluctantly agreed that it was a better idea to stay at home with Daddy, who could watch her and make sure she was alright, then to go with Mama while she was busy at work.

Oh the things I explain lately... but she is taking it in.

We also were both amazed last night watching her play Minecraft. She was building waterfalls with buckets of water placed in complex patterns all around a pool. Then she was building a staircase out of blocks she had mined - to make a high place to jump into the water from. Without any help, she was planning all of this and getting it done quite well. Mark and I sat back and watched her mind at work - and giggled at each other. He said we have switched places a bit - I have been worried about her development and 'knew there was something up' for a long time, while he has told me to just sit back and watch. Now, I am certain and 'grooving' with it and he is the one worried about just where we will be in a few years, what she will be doing etc. I told him to expect her to start taking pictures and posting to the blog in about two years or less. He said if she gets a cell phone (Which she won't) it would be sooner. Plus I still don't want her to handle the camera yet, it is heavy. ;)

off to work.

Thought Process in Action. Esme and the Mud Puddle

She walked right into it, had no idea it was there. Then, her curiosity was peaked and she went about finding out what it was.






Lucky for her it was quite warm out. On the way back up the stairs into the house she split her lip on the bottom step. Poor girl! It was better in a few minutes though and she got half-frozen strawberries to make it feel better. Mark bought strawberries for pancakes the other day and as exepcted Esme thinks they are wonderful!

It's raining right now - hopefully it will let up because we planned to go to the library today. Happy Anniversary Mark :)