bits

coffee pots

Mark had to label my new one properly so we won't mix them up.  Ha.  Languages - doing Japanese and Catalan.  Esme walked into the room as I was watching the coffee pot and doing Catalan on my phone after taking this picture.  She says : I heard a voice I didn't know and I got worried! Duolingo voice.

We went to town today to get this coffee pot and a few other things.  I talked with her about budgeting, estimating, planning and skills we should make sure she knows for college etc. We talked a little bit about body language, as well.  

I don't get to have conversations with her as often now that I'm at my new job.  And I know I info-dump on her when we do have conversations like this - and she gets to see my anxiety mathematical nerd side.  But I hope she will be able to use some of this when she is older.  It is hard to believe that she will graduate in just a few years, and then maybe technical college to see if what she has expressed interest in is the way she wants to go.

 

Merry Christmas 2024

Grandma and one of her puppies

Grandma came down and had Christmas lunch/dinner with us and watched a few Christmas shows.  Mark made a beef roast with rice and potatoes and sides and cinnamon stewed pears that I made in the toaster oven.  Mark and Esme gave Grandma a huge bag of fudge that they had made three flavors of.

Esme sitting down near the goat's feed dish trying to tell the puppies they don't have to bark at the goat.

The white one (Patches) wanted to eat her hair.  The black one (Tippy) still wanted to bark at the goat.

 

 

Merry Christmas 2024

 

and 12 years ago

So now dark has fallen, I've fed the rest of the animals and it is really still too early to go to bed.  I have the laundry done, and did cleaning yesterday (yay), and I don't want to get quite into that book (but I had time to think about it, bonus!)... so I put a pot of pea soup (snert) on the stove and made a coffee pot full of very strong chai tea which was the last of the chai mix I had made last year.  Mark got me a weighted blanket for Christmas - so it is tempting to go try to take a nap under it... or to sit and play a game for two hours... but as I was laying down for a minute I thought you know what would be really good right now?  Some very savory spicy soup that does NOT come in a can that way.  So, soup it is.  And I went ahead and did some extra language lessons - bite-sized ones. I've done Japanese and French today.

 

bit o bit o Christmas Eve

 I did some cleaning today - laundry, sweeping, sorting papers, scrubbing, pulling trash cans and changing bedding and rugs and dog blankets.  It all has been needing to be done in more than the little scraps of time I had put to it when necessary the past few months.  I watered the plants - which I have done when they needed it yes, but maybe not as often as they actually preferred.  

 

At times I felt like I wasn't sure what I should be doing with myself, since I'm used to having 'no time' - which Mark reminded me doesn't mean I have no time, just none I allot to that.  Same with the little car's brake fluid - I would have done that today, but that would have been three days not doing it - waiting to have 'enough brain' to extend beyond the queue of items I already have been doing on rote to get the jobs done etc.  Yes, it's something to work on, but no, 'just do it' isn't always a good answer for it.  Today I did each of the tasks in pieces, and then did something else (game, coffee, language lessons) and then returned to the tasks and eventually got a lot done.  

 

I do have a way that works, it is just annoying in general to others and I can't do it sometimes, I have to push it around and space it out into intervals to make it seem like a bunch of smaller tasks.  I 'tell myself' that if I had tried to take it all at one whack and then did the leisure items I don't think I would have gotten as far.  It's part of that 'yes it doesn't make sense to you' but I've lived in this brain and this is how it ACTUALLY works, vs. how it looks like it should work.  *shrug*  That is something like an ADHD thing.  Mark says I can just 'tell myself' something else.  Not really.  When that huge brakes-dragging-the-whole-train feeling is there, that is all I can say about it.  Do I get it done the way I know I can, or keep failing trying to take it 'head on like a normal person'  Me, not normal... so, option one and be productive in the zig-zaggy ADHD way that actually accomplishes something.  The biggest problem with those scraps of time earlier in the months was that was all the scraps I had willpower for, among everything else I was doing, and when I reached the critical mass point where I went to do something else it always ended up being bedtime or worktime or town-run-time etc.. and I never got back to doing more of the tasks than was necessary.

It's Christmas Eve.  I've done French and Italian (I had bopped onto Italian for a practice session yesterday and then it was already loaded when I came to do my Catalan.)  I stared hard at a Japanese program that I haven't made time for in months and was offering a good deal on a subscription - but I decided to not do that.  I listened to a full Christmas album on another site in French, which was pretty neat.  

Tomorrow is Christmas.  We have a meal planned and time to open presents.  I will take myself off to bed here in a little bit and see how much sleep I get.  I had set the alarm forward to 'maximum chicken time' - 7:45 am.. and didn't get to sleep all the way to that.  I had been up for two hours in the night - which was the only reason I was able to sleep past five.  I don't really want to move my schedule though - I will need to be up early again all for the next week.  So, I will try to get to bed early tonight and see how that fares.

We watched several episodes of Crossing Jordan first season.  The episode I was looking for was 'Miracles and Wonders', which in our sequence is marked as number 12 - it is officially episode 13 of the first season.  I always like that one for how things weave together.

Christmas Eve (Eve)

 

I finally made over the little tree - without the lights, as they had broken.  And brought down the few gifts I had gathered and put them with the things Mark had ordered a few weeks ago (which came today).  We've got a beef roast in the freezer to start thawing tomorrow and two nice days off from work.  I am very thankful for the office job that has helped paid all of the bills the past few months, and Grandma, too.  

Mark and Esme went out and put brake fluid in the little car - it didn't need a whole lot, but putting that in turned the warning light off.  Then they got propane.  I brought home animal feeds from the feed store after work.  I did Catalan and French today, again, and listened to two stories in Japanese.

Lyffan's nose is cold

 

Lyffan says her nose is cold.  She's curled up at the foot of the bed here.  Mark and Esme made lots of fudge today - chocolate and cashew flavors.  They're thinking of doing a white chocolate/maple version tomorrow.  I ran lots and lots of post office packages today.  My left hand is telling me just how much.  Of course that is after yesterday plus today on top of that.  And I started at 8 this morning and ended at about 4 both days.  Have to get myself into the office job to work tomorrow, and sometime find a way to look at the brake fluid in the little car when it is 1.) daylight and 2.) I am not at work.  But it has now been the Winter Solstice and the days should get longer, right?  

Time for me to curl up in the bed as well, if Lyffan will make some room for me.  Catalan (section 2 version) and French (phone version) today.  I dreamt of an incredible artist studio visit last night - went through sketchbooks, and listened to a lot of people talking about their work and saw them working on things.  But then of course, just a dream.  I would like to sketch some things but I haven't actually picked up pencils for more than phone doodling in a few months.

Slogging through it

 Slogging through it.  Christmas mail that is - but we got a little lucky today that one of the trucks did not come and we only had a regular load today, instead of the double-Christmas loads we have been having.  And it will not affect tomorrow, because of the kind of truck it was (although, we can deliver some of it if we want it isn't the Sunday priority stuff).  But yes, I still have to go do some more packages tomorrow, and work on Monday, and then two days off - of everything, I think ... I'm not entirely sure, but it will be nice if it is.  I've almost told myself that I need to make some madeleines and work on my Ruby book if I have Christmas Even off  ... but I'm not committing to that.  Because, I'm tired.  And it sounds nice but still...    I got up too early today - and left somewhat early.. and tomorrow I don't need to be there until eight, and I will probably still get up too early, as I just am in the habit of that time now and sleeping in sounds fun in theory but in practice it hasn't happened often.

Switched over to Catalan for a bit again, as I kept doing my phrases in half-French Latin again at work without realizing it - just that patois of things like 'it is not that' n'etre se quoi or just n'etre ) and 'there's another one of those', and 'get a move on already (imperata se quoi) actually something like 'move yourself or what')' and 'it fell down' (tomber est ce que)... They roll off my tongue so easily and I can tell what they meant but it is quite hard to write them down or translate.  The one was otra se te quoi - meaning 'there's another one of those' which was close in meaning but definitely a mix of two languages (patois).  And je ne sais jamais quoi : I've never known that?  So, I thought it was time to switch over and since the French is so high level on my computer and getting there on my phone for some reason I segued into Catalan instead for some review.

The really funny thing is - Catalan is only available on Duolingo 'from the Spanish side' - as in, it thinks you are a Spanish speaker and all of the other text is in Spanish.  And now - without changing any other settings anywhere else - I'm getting Facebook ads and spam emails to my Google mail in Spanish. *roll eyes*  Oh yay, the interconnected web.

Trying to stay awake until at least eight p.m. tonight as I don't need to clockin tomorrow until eight.  I still need to check the brake fluid in the little car that had a warning light come up - but as soon as I got home (in the mail truck) from the route today I started eating, and then made dinner for everyone, and then ate some more.  Then I had a nosebleed, and decided a steamy bath was in order.  Doing laundry, and languages, and then maybe it will be time for bed.

I haven't even cleaned off the little tree and ornaments and put it up - but I do have some gifts wrapped up.  It's been really hard to shop for anything with my schedule, but I've gathered a few things and the family has bought some other things that they wanted during grocery trips, a few games and computer stuff.

this is how we do it

 

 

the spider plant I brought to work in September as a tiny clipping - it is growing well at work and I am remembering to keep it watered

My theory of 'triage' alarms - which I know just look 'insane' to anyone else -  where I keep myself in check for what I should be doing and when.

I have a few extra ones for clock-in time at post office on Saturday and Sunday as well, which are not shown.  Several of the ones above are designed to wake me up so I don't sleep all night in one position or without drinking some water - because both of those things are very bad for me.  

When you are hypermobile and really fall into sleep, things seem to 'migrate' joints wise and I have woken up before and realized that I was sleeping with an ankle or knee bent completely wrong and it didn't hurt at all until I tried to move it.  Waking up and turning over a lot during the night keeps things from overstretching or falling into 'sublux' and staying there too long (as long as I keep in 'near sleep' and don't like get up and bake a cake or play a video game for hours etc. (turning on screens generally isn't great)).

I begin to turn myself over back and forth and check elbows and shoulders and knees and ankles etc at 4:45 although I usually don't actually get all the way up until about 5:15.  Every time I sleep five or ten minutes on the snooze alarm and turn over something else goes CRACK/CLICK and eventually it centers back where it should be to function.  The one bad thing about having this routine is that the dogs and cats know it and actually will try to wake me up a minute or so before the alarm - which can make it hard as they want me to get up out of bed immediately and go let them in or out (or out, then in) and I do have to be careful especially on the stairs especially if that left ankle is the one being 'uncooperative'.

All of this operating an uncooperative skeleton also really tires me out and I do good by myself when I can and just fall asleep when it is possible, instead of waiting for when it is 'proper'.  So sometimes I might fall asleep before I complete some of the important tasks, or be too tired to remember to do them until I've slept a few hours.  And if I wake up at 1:45 and realize my phone isn't plugged in, or I didn't start the dryer, or don't remember where the keys are - that gives me that much more time to right that problem before it is 'crunch time' of actually getting to work on time.  And then, even then, I leave more than a half hour early beyond the time I think it will take to get to work, just in case.. or I plan to, but sometimes I still have that 5 more minutes that needs to be done, feed chickens, unfreeze water dishes, etc.. and that built in cushion helps a lot.

I worked all through last weekend at the post office, helping out with Amazon Sunday for the first time in weeks, and they want me to do that again this weekend.  We went out for our groceries and got Christmas dinner items tonight after I got home from the office job.  I haven't paid so much at the grocery store in years... although we did some stocking up.

Languages : mostly Japanese, a little Czech.  I am still a bit annoyed with the Czech voice app but if I can get a bit more 'brain' I might do some more on it.  I really like the Japanese reading/story app still. 

Quests for Humans

 It's been busy weeks - on top of busy weeks.  The cold let up a little - we're getting some rain but hopefully no ice overnight.  Got the little car's heater fixed.  Mark had his birthday - I gave him some clothing and some candy that Esme and I had picked out when we got propane one day.  He watched a lot of the cartoons and movies he likes - and ordered some things for his computer that is only just now arriving.  

It doesn't feel like Christmas will be here in a few weeks.  I've only bought a few things and to be completely honest - I never even took the little tree down last year. It's still up from LAST YEAR.  But it does need to be taken down and cleaned and the lights replaced and put back up.  If I can figure out time that I have ambition that isn't used for making dinner and laundry and existing.  I've come home and just sort of collapsed on the couch for a while and not been very conversational a few times.  That isn't really my style - It's been a bit like the epitome of 'flattened'.. edging back towards human at the end enough to eat and talk.  Usually my style is to come home and eat a huge pile of food and chat way too much until I deflate from the anxiety of the day and then ease back down from the high-tension end of the slide into normal.  I've had fewer of the 'keep doing what needs doing but anxiety of single being in a single timeflow with multi-dimensional timeflow thoughts that I can't process so I stick them down in the box all day until it overflows' type of days.  But I'm not sure if this is better or not - the 'I've kept doing all that needed doing but my 'brain box' is only full of dead space - no brain, no thoughts, just 'stop' or 'go' and now that I've stopped I'm flattened' feeling is a bit worse.  I guess other people would explain that as : 'I'm tired'.  But I guess that is proof I do still have those multi-dimensional thoughts when I start to think about it... when I'm not so tired.

Today I pushed on and after work went to the bank (hard quest, it closes less than a half hour after I get out of work, about a half hour drive away from bank), feed store (also closes an hour after bank does, but only fifteen minute drive away from bank), then another store for Mark and the grocery store, and then home.  I am really glad the little car made it through all those stops.  When the mail truck was having trouble with its battery that was an ever-increasing anxiety making multiple stops without running the truck long enough to charge the battery in between.  Quests for humans, indeed... with difficulty settings.

Not to mention it gets dark so early now.  And is extremely dark and cold and sometimes icy in the mornings.  It could be worse.  I don't want it to be.  Boss was ranting to me about somebody taking days off and going to be fired for missing work - and I told her my anxiety stack is still on all the ice days of previous years and I can't say one word one way or the other about anyone else because I'm just doing my best to be there every day and anxiety about what will happen if/when the weather changes.  She tried to assure me that I can't control the weather.  Yea.  That is what worries me.

I called all of our errands and my work days 'quests for humans' the other day to Esme - as she helped us get groceries with Grandma, and propane.  I told her it feels like that sometimes, like ticking off parts on some video game quest until you get all the bits done - but then it's just done for that day, and it rolls back around the next day starting all over again.  I had a very very busy postal route the other day, but not so much I couldn't get it done.  I'm wondering what this weekend will be like - Christmas packages et al.  This is the time of year they used to call in some help.  I used to be that help, on the weekdays - but now I am at the office job during the week.  Last Saturday they said that they were surprised I finished it all without needing help, but I said I didn't know they were providing help yet, so I pushed through and got it done - by continuously telling myself during the day : 'It's not going to help to sit here and stare at it - up, onward, get it done' over and over until it got done.  Thus: the quests for humans.  There is a book I keep seeing that is close to that name but it isn't quite the same emotion.

And I feel like my hips, knees, ankles, fingers and wrists are all clicky at the moment - it could be worse, don't want it to be.  It's like my muscles are made of toothpicks bound together with lots of rubber, and the toothpicks are clicky and shifting around and hoping they don't break.  I am glad the weather has been good - hope that continues to be.  Just keep getting home from work, dinner, head to bed after a bit.  I played the game a few days (Sims 3) and it still feels like I've just wasted most of that time.  I discovered how some things work again - without going and looking things up - but still, it got nothing done in the real world.

I've sent out several copies of my Mikki Mack book to people - sold one locally, and still need to find a way to get the rest of the stack to the local gallery.  They are open later on Fridays (or, at least they used to be) so I might have to take up that 'quest for human' mentality and just push push to have that be something I want to get done so I make sure it gets done.  At the office job that is how I make things work - just push push and when I stop to breathe for a minute line up the next stack.  Same thing with the postal route.  Same thing with lots of things, it's the only way I keep the balls in the air.  I'm just still adjusting to that weird feeling of stopping and there isn't new material coming in from all sides of my brain that has nothing to do with the task at hand or minimal tangents.  It's like missing an old friend that don't hardly get any time to spend with, except the old friend is my creative side which is asleep in a chair in the corner.

Languages - lots of Japanese.  A little bit of Czech.  Not a lot else.  The Japanese on my highest Duolingo profile is actually getting into new words FINALLY.... why has it taken so long?  It really has.  And I do like the little yomu yomu app that has short conversations or stories to listen to.  The Czech language app is a bit annoying in that it is supposed to recognize your speech and there are so many things I cannot come close to pronouncing (acc. to the app) but yet I feel like I understand them and am saying them as best I can. 

The cold, and my book came!

We had a nice Thanksgiving, but the cold has started to set in now.   The cold has been really sapping me - I'm just coming home and after having dinner and doing anything really necessary, diving under the covers for hours and then getting work done the next day, same thing... Friday I think it was barely 6:30 pm.  Sunday we went out and got groceries and propane and a few other things done, but still - spent a few hours in a big coat at my computer but then still went to bed before 8 pm.   There were snow flurries on my way home tonight, and I also saw a big bald eagle in a field on the side of the road.  The defroster in the little car has not been working, but it is trying to overheat - so we will have to try to figure out how to check and add coolant tomorrow.

I've been doing Japanese and Czech languages, including speaking and listening practices.

My little cat book came in the mail finally - I had requested printing of it weeks ago in a small quantity.  It is simple and sweet and I am glad that it finally became 'real'.  I love that the drawing No Tell made for me goes all the way across the back of the cover, showing off Mikki Mack's glorious long fluffy tail (as it is described in the story).  The rest of the drawings inside are black and white and were done by me in the GiMP program just quickly to have the flavor of what I wanted.  No Tell was too embarrassed by how much I loved their drawing!  I still do.  

 

 

Mikki Mack, the quite pretty small gray cat with the gloriously long fluffy tail!