This is.... my demon

drewzel suggested this week's 'This is' theme to be 'This is my demon'.

Quote from drewzel's blog:

I’ve been thinking a bit about having a demon (metaphorically speaking), and the concept introduced by this crappy film (I haven’t read the book, so maybe it’s good) where: “In Lyra’s world every person is accompanied by a daemon, a physical representation of their soul in animal form. “ Have you got a monkey on your shoulder or a tiger in your chest?

Wow. My art is all about this. People being 'composed' of multiple animal spirits all working in one like some musical metaphysical symphony. In these ink symphonies I describe myself most often as a bird or rabbit, but also sometimes as a fox or bear. All of that will have to be another blog post, someday...

In more normal terms I have a couple of demons. I love coffee. That is a typical demon. There are reasons I shouldn't have much (blood pressure and breastfeeding) but I still get a few cups a day at least in order to function. If you wave an almond caramel cappuccino in front of my nose it might get grabbed.

My other demon is almost an anti-thesis of addiction. It is an addiction to a way of thinking. Mark has been helping me crack this one, but it is slow-going.

Because this demon is part of myself, part of how I was raised in a very strict, all-for-the-better-good family. I've come to realize that the definition of 'selfish' and 'frivolous' I learned as a child was FAR from normal... my mom's highest praise for us kids was 'You never ask for much.' And we didn't... partially because there wasn't much resources with which to buy anything and also because it became an unspoken rule that wanting anything that wasn't practical was 'bad'.

Thus, I can sometimes paint myself into a corner by having TOO GOOD of self-control. I deny my true wants easily or let other people talk me out of them if they can make a good argument. Sometimes, I can even get talked out of true NEEDS. Even if it would be good to relent some and/or change my mind it becomes an inner struggle of one willpower against another. And I end up not doing what I really want and sometimes not doing much else either. That's really hard to explain...

Mark makes me open up my eyes and try to see what I really want in life, and how to get there. He breaks me out of my old routines and ways of thinking into a fresher, more active and ALIVE way of living. Sometimes it is difficult to take his criticism on these things but it is most often enlightening. And Mark, I'm very grateful for that ;)