Friday, December 13, 2019

watching the moon rise over the trees

wax a bit poetic this morning.. just because...sitting here with my oatmeal and my coffee and my book... 

Watching the moon rise
in the morning, purple over the sumac
that has been washed of its red hue
in the last winter storm
drying now held up like torches on the branches
waiting for the snow to come
to make their color more vibrant
against the white that would cover the world
and make silent the sound of footsteps in the air

The moon is rising
I make it rise more by standing on the hill
frost in the grasses around me
the cold air pulling at my ankles and wrists
watching the frost sheen in the sky
blur the circle of the moon
to a fuzzy ball of light

Snow on the moon
that is what they called it when I was young
I am hoping it will come and go quickly
and not coat the roads in ice
dangerous black swaths
freezing the commerce and rhythms of city life
upon which we still depend
although now I have more freedom to enjoy  a day of snow
it does not stab fear into my heart as badly
as it once did

Still, like creatures of warmth are want to do
I wish it away for as long as it will hold
praying for spring and summer
to release us from the cold
and back to life and growing things
the revolution of the days towards light
lasting into long evenings
warm with Nature's hope

Had a couple of weird dreams last night, one a nice philosophy lesson and the other a good story idea.  The philosophy lesson was that no matter even if I have to drag a twisted and broken limb in pain through a ten story building and keep getting told 'your destination is elsewhere' the real me - the me that is in my dreams - steels herself up, grits her teeth and keeps going just trying to get to the right place to do whatever I am supposed to do.  The story idea is little demons that are in your rent-a-center products that then become poltergeists of a type that enjoy watching the home shopping network and knocking figurines off your shelves (bought from HSN) and they masquerade as cats that defy the rules of physics etc.... there's something there.

Listening to some music, waiting for my nerve pain in the tooth to calm down.  I just got 'Letters from a Stoic' by Seneca (roman philosopher) and I am going to spend a little time with that until my side-contract package gets here and I have to schedule those installations.  I made some good progress with my bath remodel last night.  Bought a big pipe wrench today to add to my toolbox - lightweight, too.  Working on the extended business plan this afternoon, probably going to do those installations tomorrow if I can swing it. Several things to do Sunday.

Tuesday, December 10, 2019


Doing lots, working on things here and there.  Wrote some more - the weekly writer's prompt was for 'lace curtains' and that reminded me of something from when I was four that was kind of sad, so I won't post it here.  I'm wondering if I should add it to my anthology.  I am planning on putting the Christmas tree up tomorrow.

I am working on some knitting, have to decide what to do for the office organization upstairs here.  I installed a faucet on Monday and it went well.  The big shower arrived today and I have to contact the installer to talk about timing.

Saturday, December 07, 2019


There is a lie I tell myself about pain because it was told to me when I was young.  I was told that whatever pain I was feeling, it was not more than anyone else around me, there was no way it could be, because I was too young to feel joint or bone pain and it would get worse when I was truly old.  I found out that it was a lie when I was about seventeen and fractured my wrist.  It hurt, but I was not screaming.  It hurt like something was wrong, and since the tae kwon do instructor saw the injury, he had called my parents to bring me to the emergency room.

When I got there, they took x-rays.  Then the nurse looked me over and she had a weird look on her face.  She asked me how much it hurt.  I said something was wrong that they should check it out, but that if I held it, it was probably okay.  She grabbed my wrist and banged it on the table and I yelped, and then continued my normal tense-grit-teeth after that.  She went and got the doctor and they explained my arm was fractured and would need a brace for three weeks at least.  Not only that, but there was evidence that my wrist bad been badly fractured before, and not treated.  I couldn't recall any 'serious' time except when I jumped out of a treehouse when I was eight, after having been left there by my cousin and siblings and Mom was having a freak out because I would not answer her yells.

I don't remember ever anything more than 'don't hurt yourself, stop crying, of course it hurts you jumped out of the treehouse'.. and holding my wrist the same way I do often to make it feel better.  So the lie is that I can feel more pain than others and still look the same as they do, mostly act the same as they do, and unless things are actually falling off or septic, I very well might be nursing a broken bone or holding a cut shut with medical tape and it would be very hard for anyone to tell at all unless they know exactly what to look for, or bang my arm on the table.

But when I actually do get to the point where something hurts very badly, like a tooth or a joint out of place.. I still find myself repeating the pain lie to get through it.  Other people feel this way all the time - it will go away - this is normal pain.  But the part my doctors and dentists don't seem to understand is that the pain sometimes does go away - temporarily.. through a pressure point? or nerve deadening or some mental trick... I can function.  That confuses all of my descriptions of pain, because honestly it is hard to judge what is going on even from my own point of view.

I had someone notice yesterday I was using a pressure point unconsciously to stop my wrist from hurting after a hard strain.  I knew what she was talking about but was not aware I was doing anything but 'holding the hurt' as I do.. but yes, that is a key pressure point for pain for the arm and shoulder and I was holding it down to make it feel better.  I can't even properly metabolize most pain medications - so they aren't going to help..  it is lucky to have sometimes found something 'zen' or Jedi that does work.  I sometimes press on my jaw or neck on one side when the teeth are hurting, and that is another pressure point, right there.  So it isn't all bad, but it does lead to some bad things like living with tooth abcesses etc which could turn out to be something much worse untreated than a fractured wrist.


Put Yourself Together
To awake in the morning and have your limbs revolt,
joints snapping, popping and tendons screaming
from the things you have done the day before
and the day before that
each part forming a symphony
and to say hush
we're doing this


Finished the project.  Eventually we can have ONYX on all of it, 
but for now, this is better than what was there.

Friday, December 06, 2019

home projects

 Step 1 : remove all the original board (see below), and remove all the caulk off the side of the bathtub - it was black and thick and took acetone and a lot of knife time.

 Silicone the new tile down, cut to size, and add some PVC molding to cover up the gaps - I didn't miter the corner because it actually goes back a bit into that hole.  It is much, much better than what was there (see below)

Thursday, December 05, 2019

The Shadow of the Bird

There was a bird clinging to the side of a tree, digging in with his claws facing the sunrise.  It's shadow was hard and dark just underneath it, against the bark of the tree.  I saw it dig in even harder with its feet at the moment just before it launched itself into the air.  The physical bird flew upwards and away.  At the same time its shadow lightened to a fuzzy smear, falling down the tree towards the ground, but disappearing into nothingness.

It surprised me.  It felt wrong at first, like I had been tricked.  It felt wrong at first, even though I knew in my brain that science should produce exactly what I saw.  That moment was such a normal everyday thing.  Why did I feel surprised?  Have I become that unaccustomed to looking, and really seeing?  As a society, many of us have ceased to go to Nature, and to see these things every day.  It becomes an unusual occurrence, practiced by few.  My instinct had forgotten the truth until I saw it again with my eyes.  How did we get to where watching birds in trees has become a rarity instead of the natural way of things?

Wednesday, December 04, 2019

Sunday, December 01, 2019


this morning:

The house is asleep
their brains whirring with something different
than the things that have captured mine
for these hours hence
while the sun was rising
the cold air was chilling me
outside of the blankets
where the others yet slumber warm
twisting and turning
pulling elbows over their faces to
avoid the light in their eyes

My dreams have come and went
and left their marks upon me
to come out as words upon paper
images strange and beautiful
that not many will ever understand as I do
my soul in dreaming tries to figure out
who it is in the night
who it is in always
by telling itself stories
that are powerful and slip away too soon

It is up to me to catch them
like fish in a bowl
and try to see their bones
without taking the life from them

The last time, before this morning, that I had been in a church was 2004.  It was still on a card.  I went this morning, and yes, I cried.  I always cry.  But they respected when I said I wanted to listen, and to hold myself together, and see if there was something for me to hear there.  And I might go back again, if I can keep up some bravery, to continue to see if there is something to hear there.   I went to the place with the door and window that I had thought about for years, always thought was pretty, wondered what it was like... but not because someone told me to go there or it was a tradition or... it just seemed like an honest curious choice to see.  I looked at their website and it was welcoming, said anyone could come, and said when.  That was enough.