Tuesday, June 18, 2024

It's been a long week, she said on Tuesday

 Denoxii conlang

 the days this week have added up - headed to bed here in a minute but as my head hit the pillow I thought I could try to make a little drawing, by starting to write something simple in Denoxii, and then seeing what wanted to fill in around the edges.  I put a few more rows on this shawl thing made out of the slightly stretchy fine yarn I had found on clearance a few years ago, and never found a good way to use.  We'll see how it works - I am thinking of switching between the two colors because I only bought one of each skein. (but it's hard, because this skein is so pretty, actually, worked up)

Addition : I have not continued the book I got from the library - I should bring it into work today (Wed, June 19th), and read it before we start the package run.

Monday, June 17, 2024

yarn and thread


So, is it madness or patience?  I tend to think, only based on what others say about it - that you have to perceive time on a different scale to work with yarn, weaving, crocheting, knitting, oh especially spinning then doing one of the above.  I didn't spin this - but I am crocheting it because I have thought about what it might be like when it is done.  It is forever time wise away from being done, so much infinite perhaps that it might not be completed, in fact, the probability (as so many knitters know with unfinished objects) is that it will not be done.  But yet, we begin, and often, we persist.  Is it madness or patience?  

Same with gardening.  Perhaps, with my learning languages without having any useful place to use them.  But I take a 'sense of cadence'? could it be a 'zen'?  from making something -for myself*- that takes a long time, and from checking on plants every day and eeking them along - from learning more again and again on ten different languages round and round and round the spiral.  It is like making hash marks on the stone wall except sometimes, you get to hold the object, or behold the plant, or understand the sentences in a foreign book or movie - and say 'hey, if I hadn't started this - I wouldn't be here now, using/admiring my persistance.'

So yes, a bit of both.  I still recall the (seriously different than me) lady who said I must be so bored to sit and knit an item - don't you have anything else you want to do.  Not that will become this, through me, and I will use literally for years etc...

I put on my little blue bolero thing the other day - one of those things made like this, out of fine blue yarn in a net foundation, with gold thread crocheted along the edges - and it has kept well over the past what.. nine? years, holding together, and being a pretty piece of clothing.  And there are a lot of things like that.  And if I hadn't started them, they wouldn't be something I have to use now.  And yet, we can't guarantee that we will finish things - we can't bank on the persistence part - so much could happen, and yet.. we start. And that depends deeply on who we are, what we value, how we reflect.  All of it.

//We shopped early early and it was already hot when we got back.  I did some watering in the garden and planted more seeds.  We planned to go out to a farmer's market today and get some produce.  It has started to rain a bit now, but we'll see what happens with it.  Mark has some alphabet and language stuff he wants me to look at - I made him a Czech list of 8,000 words, but he wanted 3 million, so he found some spell checker that has every form of every word in it.  I still like my 8,000 word list - it has a lot of useful words I didn't know all of, and could use for myself at the very least.  I did French and Spanish today, and a lot of Czech vocab, and need to finish out my Russian lesson.  Then I work the next two days.

*and yet, I have found that often, for others, I do not persist like this -- art projects, or specifically requested things that I did not want to make (because when I want to make it anyway, or made it and then give it away, it was the journey that was the reason for it, not the end point).. and the difference is in  because perhaps we never know how they will value it, and then when we do not have it later - that time is gone, but when we do have it, and use it, the time is still captured ... planting the orchard of trees that you may never see fruit from for years, means something different on another person's property when the chance to see them even if you live that long reduces nearly to nil by giving it away?  Sometimes though, we still persist on those - and that is why knitted and handmade gifts made with intention are special.//philosophy

Sunday, June 16, 2024

dans bits et morceaux


Yesterday I was on the postal route and two ladies were in the parking lot, one on the ground and the other on their hands and knees, looking up underneath a car - when I had delivered the mail they were coming back in the place, and asked me what I would do to get a kitten out from inside the workings of the car.  I gave a good effort myself but could not see anywhere to pull the kitten through, made a few calls for them to get advice, asked someone to put out a request on FB.  When the lady first asked me I felt that 'time-tug' that I could go on my way, I'm doing things - but there will be a reverse tug later that says 'you didn't even try' and that will be something that will just repeat and repeat in my head - as those things do.  So, I gave it a good try - and I still didn't succeed for them, but there wasn't anything else I could think to do, so finally I continued on with my route.  After finishing the route, two other carriers were having heat stroke symptoms and getting treated by an ambulance - and that made my decision that I would not go back out there again to the place and try again for the kitten - because I hadn't been able to personally get it the first time, and couldn't think of anything else to suggest other than the things I did when I was there.  I would hope someone else would be able to move them a bit further along the line and that they could get the little one out - but I called after I got home and it was still stuck, and they were still trying to get some authority out there to help (they kept getting turned down over the phone which is why they asked me)

But that is a big thing for me - and I realize that is a difference between me and other people --  other people say 'I kept my peace by saying no' and are proud of the statement...  and I'm standing here saying that statement does not make sense in of itself  'just saying 'no' can't possibly be peaceful in general - there are so many variables, don't you keep yourself up at night with all the variables?'  


I'm a classic overthinker - and I've found over the years, a neurodiverse person.  I go through more what-if scenarios in three seconds over minimal things than most people think of all day.  It took me a long time as a kid to realize other people don't do this - and I still have a hard time imagining what actual cognition - thinking would be without it.  So saying 'I said no, so I had peace' is like saying 'I didn't jump, so I kept my foot' There's a big piece of that original statement missing.   For me, there's not enough information there to say what decision was actually made.  But then - was a decision actually made?  Avoidance, not making a decision, is a decision as well, but that goes into some more philosophy.

And because I think out-of-the-box from the middle out, to all possible things I can think of at this moment forward and back, that is why I overwhelm some people when they do ask me for help.  This is why when I can't possibly think how to help more I have a hard time tearing myself away, but then when that happens over and over with a certain situation I just remove myself from the whole thing if possible - and then from the outside I know that looks like the above.  Again, variables - it's all variables and no simple answer.  It would feel less like reality, wouldn't it, if it was a simple answer?  That's when things get suspect, when the answer proposed is too cut and dry / black and white.  //philosophy

But because I know this about myself - I do what works for me better.   I keep my peace by saying 'I tried' or 'I thought through all the combinations possible' (until someone invents time travel *ha*) - and it is when I don't do this that I don't have peace.   I am so much more of a looming shadow over myself, way too often, than any other person could be - because of: wherever I go, there I am.


It is also Father's Day today, and I do have to go do some more packages in the heat - but that is a very different thing than having to do the mail AND the packages.  For one thing: you can keep the windows up and the air conditioning on and just drive directly to and get out where you need to put packages out.  With doing the mail you always have the window down and are always in the hot with your arms out to the boxes every few minutes.  I used sunscreen yesterday and brought two forms of drink AND a backup bottle of water - so I didn't have as much of the issue I had on Friday.  I hope I can bring home some bit of candy or other thing for Mark after work today - and then we plan on going out to do a few things tomorrow (Monday).

I was able to water the garden yesterday when I got home - and things are looking pretty good out there.  Not lush, but good for low-maintenance 'I do other things most of the time' garden.  The collards are starting to sprout, and half of the sprouts I was given to put in the deep garden are surviving.  A couple of sunflowers from a random packet Mark had given me a few years ago were making a good effort in a hill in the strawberry patch.  There is a cucumber started, and lots of little cherry tomatoes, and a few peppers that might be big enough to harvest tomorrow.  I need to cut out that rose vine and put it in a pot so I can give it to somebody on Monday - but I don't want to cut back the entire thing because our starts in the other pots were not doing so well.


I did Russian, French and Spanish yesterday but skipped Greek mostly - I took a review on Czech vocab on babadum to help sort out what special characters we need to put in a 3d printed tile set.  Mark wanted me to work out the statistics for how many I would need to be a good 'scrabble' type set for Czech, Greek and Cyrillic characters.  I realized, working with Duolingo vs the vocab on babadum I really don't have as many Czech words as I thought I did, and that some more practice would be good there.

Saturday, June 15, 2024


 I did two postal routes yesterday, and it was very hot, I had only planned for the short one - bought a lemonade, but told myself I should really plan for more than what they tell me each time, so I'm not caught out - bringing extra liquids and sunblock today, as the extra sun exposure catches me later in the day, as well, with almost an allergic type run-down body reaction when it begins to turn bright pink

I was using my regular thin shawl as a blanket last night and even that was too thick - thinking I need to start work on a lace-like knit made out of a thin thread, it would take forever, or find some sort of sheer fabric (I might have something, might not) and just put an edge on it.  I like to have something over my neck and shoulders, even if it is a whisper, or I don't sleep well.

Got up for two hours in the middle of the night this time and drank a lot of fluids while I studied my French, to prepare for today.  Then I slept for two more hours.    It'll be hot out again today, so I watered the garden a bit last night and more this morning, and gave the chickens fresh water.  Yesterday I was nearly too tired to finish everything when I got home (after six extra hours helping on a route I hadn't planned for, but got it done - I used to do that one years ago, and it's not hard, but it is long) so doing that amount of French in the early hours of today gives me one thing ticked off my list for when I get home tonight.  Off we go.

Thursday, June 13, 2024



The first full set of the Scrabble tiles

Charlotte 'helping' me in the garden, rolling around and making sure all the rabbits and deer know this is her place as well as mine.

 There are some fruits starting on the plants here, tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers - Mark thinks I put too much fertilizer to water ratio when I put some out to day but I will water more again tomorrow as it will be ninety degrees.  But I have a short postal route to run, as well.

Esme and I went out to get chicken feed today, and then got library cards and books in the town where I work at the post office.  We have cards for the other one in our county, but we haven't gotten over there as often - and it was a good idea to stop.  She said that the young adult section in this library, even though the place was very very small, was really good.  We also stopped and got drinks at a cafe and went to sit in a college student nook for a bit to read our books - there was a grackle coming back and forth feeding a nest of baby birds up high in the rafters there - it was quite cool to watch.  We didn't even know they were there until the parent arrived and suddenly the world was full of chirp.  We had went down to the nook because there as a lawncare company making huge noise by the gazebo in the square we initially tried to sit at.

I also made a pint of blackberry syrup from blackberries up the road.  Mark didn't think they were going to be useful - and I couldn't help myself from picking at least a small amount.  I followed my instincts, although I looked up that it should be apple cider vinegar AND salt (I remember salt always, from my mother's instructions) and clear water and many rinsings to remove the little bugs that like to live in the berries.  And then heat up to boiling with sugar, lemon juice and water and mash it up, then bring to simmer and simmer for a bit, and then strain it to get out as much of the seed and pulp as possible.  Mark wanted me to add even more sugar to it - I doubled the amount I had originally put in it, but then I told him I was going to see what this was like before adding more.  I had a spoonful of it on ice cream, and it was very good.  It could have been thicker, simmered down longer etc.. but it's still quite good the way it is.

Did Greek lesson, Spanish Duolingo, French Duolingo (high grammar), Russian lesson on Busuu, and Lithuanian and French alternating on Babadum and Baltoslav.  I read half of Neil Gaiman's 'Stardust' book that I checked out from the library.  


It is 8 pm and I've been up since 4 am... will try to get some more sleep tonight.



I was woken up so early this morning by a very strange dream of my mother, and the 'afterlife' / 'between-world' etc.. as the mixed up ways of roads and hallways and bureaucracy and things that make no sense - it is not the first time, not by far, that I have had the same sort of dreams - usually she is 'lost' or has to ask me something again, like what my phone number is - but this time she wanted to talk to me about what I was going to take into the hospital to do a surgery, and I picked out a few bits of clothes out of the car we had come in, saying I didn't need even half of this stuff for a two day stay etc.. and I was trying to figure out how to carry a bag in, if anybody was going to help me, but I grabbed a long-sleeved pink and white gingham shirt that was very specific and said that would be useful for sitting up in bed once I was feeling better, my stepfather (who is still alive, I'm pretty sure) took one of the bags from me, but he set it down on the ground, he was with a few other people I never actually looked at and they asked him and me about the twins (my cousins, his nieces) and I told them I hadn't heard anything about them in years, sorry - we discussed something about what I was going into the hospital for, something I had been ignoring in my stomach (makes no sense) and it had gotten to the point I had more trouble with it and needed to fix it - and my stepfather and the other people went back into the van - but my mother came with me - and then I went up into the hospital and my mom came with me, I was carrying a small bag and the shirt draped on my arm, we passed through all the hallways just fine on the way to the right office, I stopped and looked at a vending machine someone was messing with at a checkpoint desk, while they found out if I was supposed to be there and I waited for them to open the door - it was full of strange packaged foods like a candy machine, but the outlet was some sort of square bucket somebody (an old man, the guard was talking to him, apparently he did this often) was trying to mix stuff up right there like a slop pit - and I decided I didn't want any of that food - and then when I was supposed to check in at the correct time for the surgery (2 pm) a nurse met me in the hallway and looked me up on a list, said they weren't ready, things were just too busy, brought me to a waiting room, where I tried to check in with the secretary on the left who was VERY rude and snappy and wouldn't let me say a word in edgewise even to say who I was - she just wanted me to sit down and wait until spoken to - how long? don't TALK, don't look at me, No No don't EVEN etc.  and another nurse or secretary leaned over while I was going 'sheesh' to my mom and we were sitting down - she told me in a low voice that it was just very busy today, things weren't going right at all, and the other lady was just very upset - the angry lady peered down the row and  snapped at me again for sitting (when she had told me to) - and for talking to the other lady - and I didn't like that at all - went into some room after a few minutes with the clipboard nurse and my mom and somebody else were asking me about what I wanted to know about what they might do, and what might happen - discussed that didn't I know things could go wrong, I said everything would be alright, no matter what, as long as they wrapped me in a clean cloth soaked in clean water, things would turn out okay and I was very lucid in that moment in the dream - with my conviction and knowing I should be afraid of what she was implying but saying 'this is how this is'  This felt like one of those 'tests' in a dream, where they try to make you terrified of what might happen, but you already know it is a dream - but you are also bound to tell them your exact personal truth because you can see it at that moment clearer than you sometimes do when you are awake.  They wanted me to back out?  Have a crisis?  Demand a ton of more info?  But I didn't, because there was nothing I could do personally that was going to affect the outcome, but also, it was a dream and I was awake in the dream.  Usually - lucid dreaming you can do whatever you want, and make things happen because you know it is a dream - but I felt this was more a 'deep questions' thing.  However, we went further into the room and I got onto the hospital bed or exam table? it was hard like a table but sat up like a bed, and I quickly fell asleep - and lost time - then was floating above over the tables in that room it was almost Star Trek looking down at multiple tables set at odd angles to each other, sort of like a pathway or buffet, and there were body parts all over them, very unrealistic heads and legs and arms - and someone was telling me they were mine, but no they weren't (hey, Worf's head made an appearance, and he was definitely not me)- because I was right here and standing up from beside the table whole and clothed just the same as when I came in - and it was all just movie props - I could tell they wanted me to be scared, but I was more creeped out and wondering why they were messing with me (we watched something sort of gory last night, the movie Pitch Black), and I couldn't tell if they did any surgery or not or I had just been asleep and woke up - and I didn't really want anything more to do with the place, so somehow we ended up walking back out of there and getting into what looked like my postal van but with seats instead of the racks - I was driving with my mom alone in the van down roads that doubled back over them (I've been there before - in many dreams, it is so hard to find the right exits, you have to get on the correct highway ramp to begin with, then you have to exit, go back down the other way parallel and opposite to where you were going a second ago, and then turn again onto the right road again), and then we were driving straight along and the road got narrower, and narrower, and we were now in the country, traveling down a less busy road, over some railroad tracks looking down into places where I was sure I had gotten my vehicle stuck before, and places that I maybe had walked before, and forgot where I was going - I had lost mom at the railroad tracks somewhere back there and I was by myself again and even my car wasn't a real car, it was a little electric toy thing I was riding that shouldn't even have been able to go that fast - and when I got to 'work' I was trying to find a parking spot for it, I didn't even want to leave in the parking lot because it was scooter-weight and could just be picked up and carried off - so I carried it under my arm into the building! and tried to find a place to stash it behind some chairs in the breakroom... I was working at the cross/mixup between Michaels and Lowes again trying to figure out what locker to put things in and how to login and what time I should be there on the schedule, and what I needed to do today... eventually woke up because I hate the 'passwords' and 'combination locks' bits - up to then I can navigate the dream but those usually make me just wake up

Wednesday, June 12, 2024


We did those two flea market days in a row, and that was a bit much for us, social introvert wise.  I did some gardening yesterday, and will go out there again in a little bit to look everything over.   And today we did some shopping, and glad to be home.  

I've studied a little less of the Lithuanian the past day or so, give myself some time to see how much I've soaked in.  I did a bit more today than yesterday, and found myself getting about 1 in 8? of the 'non-super-easy' ones wrong - I wasn't counting the ones like 'galaktikus' for galaxy, but more the ones that are very specific to the language, like 'pamesti' (to drop/lose)  - not obviously borrowed words.  That is still pretty good for a week on it.  (and hundreds and hundreds of words)


I've added some Greek review the past few days, and continued with the Russian site (Busuu) and Spanish and French on my Duolingo profiles (with the Greek there, and on Greekpod101).  I dropped the Bulgarian except for a word or two here and there because I tried to join their site as a birthday gift and it wouldn't let me pay for less than 6 months.. and I didn't want to commit to that much money on it yet.  Instead, I'll buy myself a longer garden hose closer to my birthday.  We've also still got to pay for what the mail truck is in the shop for, and fix the kitchen faucet that has sprung a leak, but not a major one.

Today at the supermarket Esme brought me this little cooler thing that Mark wanted to use in the greenhouse for cold-stratifying seeds - and I didn't know what in the world they wanted it for when she came up to me carrying it.  I asked her 'Apparata se quoi?' loud enough that people turned heads next to me.  She knew what it meant (fairly easy - what is this apparatus? in pseudo-latin-french which my brain seems to operate in).  Then : I kept myself from saying the next thing that was not quite-English 'ya apres nostri a seguir' (it follows after us) and instead said the English translation from my brain of 'I guess it's coming with us then', with a note of resigned sarcasm.  That last bit isn't Latin, it isn't Catalan, it isn't French - but it has elements of all three.  

I really don't know what language my brain 'speaks' in before it translates to English - at one time I thought it had to be only French, because that was what was present in my childhood - but the answer lies somewhere between several languages - so I must have picked up more from reading, dictionaries and encyclopedias, (my dad had a set of language books from Simply Teach Yourself ...something in red leather-bound volumes, there were also math, accounting and other books in that series but I adored the multiple languages), other television? and so forth.  And the more languages I learn, the better I am at interpreting that what comes 'pre-installed'  isn't just nonsense, it actually does have roots in somewhere, and that it's grammar, of course, is absolutely horrid.

note : a friend looked at what I had written and said 'you were speaking a patois' - a pidgin, especially of French, that includes regional dialectical differences and/or adaptations to nearby languages, sometimes called a creole in other countries, but also referring to the 'country speak', 'colloquial' or 'rough way of saying things (what patois means)' vs. the refined correct grammar forms.  I like that, I'll take it.  

 I don't know what form of French my grandmother spoke, as she was French and Indian (Ojibwa from Rolla, ND, her parents did not live on the reservation, her mother was half or full Indian, from what I was told and remember (I was five when she died, and my mother told me some of it - so this is how I remember what I was told:) my great-grandmother's name was Bessie Gannon on my grandmother's birth certificate, and a gravestone I've seen - but didn't have any birth record for Bessie that we could find - and her father was many nationalities, in-and-out moving around, gambling and doing odd and long-haul type jobs - Grandma was third or fourth youngest out of ten children, several of the girls had already gotten married and moved away - so after Grandma was seven years old (and her younger sister four, and maybe another younger boy, and then the baby girl) their mom got sick and their father had been away for a long time, and all the children at home, right down to the 18 month old baby, were sent to an orphanage near Owatonna, Minnesota, very far away from their home.  The boys and the girls got split up.  The baby was adopted out (Grandma's sister, when I was a kid, found her and met with her).  

In the orphanage it is possible they learned Latin from the nuns? but she did tell me they were nuns, and they definitely spoke some German, and that she and her sister were in a German speaking household for a while but the lady gave them back because Grandma was stubborn and talked back, she said the lady called them 'dumkoff' (dumbhead) all the time, and that Grandma wouldn't stand for them beating her littler sister who still wet the bed, she made them beat her instead and she told me that once when she fought back the lady locked her in a closet and she screamed and hollered and beat on the door and after that I guess the lady decided Grandma was too spirited for her and both girls went back to the orphanage).  

Grandma's name was Vera, and her little sister was Inez, and the youngest I think was Priscilla by birth? perhaps Patricia.  The older girls were Nora and Eva and Ava and another name that sounded like Eva... and then there were several boys Arthur and Clyde.. Claude? and I can't remember the other maybe a William?  What I did find out I had written down in a notebook for Esme for the future - but I can't find it now.. it's somewhere around here with a bright turquoise cover and has all of my father's family's info  and my mother's father's family's info in it as well (which I found much more of).

On Baltoslav tools - I am playing the pictures game in multiple languages - it goes very quick and gives me a good random selection of words to test - and in Bulgarian, I am getting today maybe a score of 5 or 7 before I lose the three lives over 4 times, in Latvian, about 40, in Lithuanian also about 40 - both of those about 4 times played, Catalan 55 (high score, 2 times), in French 280 (one time played)!  I find it really interesting what French words I have not learned, like wild boar, or trace (it left no trace, not to trace something) etc..  they tend to be high tier ones you would only get in certain circumtances.  In Catalan I'm still getting some of the next tier down wrong - faucet, sparrow etc.

After that, did a comparison with babadum on the French and went to score 125 - with probably about ten mistakes in there on again (it doesn't show you how many mistakes, and there are no 'lives lost' there.  Again, it was mostly high level words that I had not heard and/or positively identified before - even in all the time I've studied French - but I felt the mistakes harder, and also felt the 'I can figure that out from it's parts' stronger, as well - on words that I had an idea about, but had not heard the combination before.  I also like that I knew a lot of the 'abstract' words in French that I have learned the Lithuanian word for on the same system, but how that feels different in my head now because I know the French from a different level, and understand that picture better now (since it is all pictures there, and no explanations).