bits and bobs

We still have not received any results from the language or hearing tests. I think she is waiting for Monday now. But, I've realized that in the past few days a lot of what Esme has done for 'testing limits' and such has been because she is on the verge of another growth spurt. This spurt has a lot to do with language - which is why I have focused on it myself.

A lot of her upset is about things she cannot explain and/or get enough information to calm herself about the topic. ie: monsters, sickness and injuries, people 'stealing' things, buildings being torn up by weather or earthquake etc... She wants to fix people who are sick, and to cook and share food and make everyone happy -- but she also thinks that she is too little and can't help to do the things she needs to do... She worried Mama talking to the 'doctor lady' at the 'school' meant she was sick, also because the other children there were handicapped and it scared her. She still wanted to play, and is so very sweet adapting to almost anyone on their level - no one can believe she barely ever sees other kids. She steps right in and 'mothers' younger kids sometimes but also really loves a group of lots of different ages and any sort of rough-and-tumble. She cried softly one day and said she wanted to 'see her real friend' - a girl we saw at the library she does not know if she will see again etc... She also worries that Mama will not be able to protect her in a terrible weather/accident... more to me than to Mark, but sometimes to him as well (directing him through parking lot traffic sometimes)

It boils down to this - she picks up more than she can emotionally process, because part of her mind is five or six and the other part (especially emotions and communication) is still two or three. This is partially why I have kept such good records over the years - she has never followed the 'regular schedule' on almost anything. It makes everything harder! Sometimes I don't know what to expect on any given day - and when we are in 'spurts' it can be worse. She does not fully understand things that bother her emotionally and/or interprets it in a different way until I can set her straight. And having what seems to be my photographic memory she remembers things we would never think she could - and often puts an old memory and new information together with uncanny speed, also sometimes in a way we would not have guessed. It can be very hard to calm an unspoken fear or address an unspoken 'grudge' she has (like now she thinks I knit at work instead of give tubs and toilets to people... long story).

//added// I will also add that 'asynchronous' makes it harder sometimes to talk about Esme in some company without editing out anything that is not normal for her age group. Hmm.. it was not something I was prone to do at first - Mark says I shouldn't do it at all, but sometimes I feel that others in the room are worried. I do overworry, I admit - it is the Minnesota no-conflict girl coming out there. For example - at work there is an older man who has 3 and 5 year old grandsons. They live with him, and he is very defensive about them. Whenever he overhears me talking to someone else about Esme, and the topic turns to something that is closer to the abilities of the older one - he goes somewhere between haughtily ignoring me for the day or a rude outburst denying that could be possible at that age. And he should know better - because no two kids are EVER the same.. and all kids do progress differently. Some, more differently. I try to avoid saying anything when he is around now...

Another lady 'ES' has chided and disparaged me many times because she thinks I have 'not let Esme be normal'. She thinks cable TV is necessary for normality.. among other things, and I generally disagree a lot with her. She has five children and thinks she knows everything there is to know about development. *sigh* I get a LOT of bad advice that I try to completely ignore from her. Esme is what she is - in all of her different stages at once. Sometimes it takes a different approach to make things work for/with her.

It all saddens me - but I do have some 'safe places' that understand. (A good friend who calls on the phone and talks about Star Wars included!) Another is a group of UK/Australian and American parents that started on Babycenter. I tapped them once there about Esme's sign language and instead of being burned I was welcomed in - they sometimes daily keep me from being frazzled. And we can talk there about joy/fear over 'evening out' (when things catches up to age mates) as well as the things that are just too hard to deal with at certain ages. For example: one five year old was found recently reading a very inappropriate book (dark science fiction) and understanding it enough to scare herself silly... there were a lot of good responses all of the moms could use from that board. And more like that. I'll post a quiet 'thank you' to board organizer Hannah for reaching back to me all that time ago, and more since.