witterings and ramblings

 

A few things I wrote elsewhere I wanted to keep hold of: 

My brain is always going a million miles a minute, it feels like.. so this is just a taste of trying to put some of that down into text.

What is the concept of time?

"I've been thinking about this for years, since a dream I had in high school. Time is a fractured crystal/matrix on tangent point with the three dimensions of physical space, and -of itself the fractures in its own matrix become something like the Droste effect light going into infinite mirrors within mirrors - there is loss and duplication within the fractures of a magnitude we cannot quite grasp."

 I did have this dream - it was what, 1996, 1998?  somewhere around there, I remember looking at my computer in my mother's house and wondering how I could capture even a tiny bit of the idea to save it for later... I sat down and wrote 'The Crystal Matrix' and 'The Philosopher of Crystal Valleys' somewhere around that time.. and the type of dream still returns to me once in a while - and I can never quite grasp it - it falls apart the more I try to understand it.  I've written a bit about it in my book 'Time in December' in some ways, but had to mold the idea to fit the story in a way that was slightly more specific than the whole concept.  I do like the scene in the movie Interstellar (or, as I more commonly think of it, the movie with the girl named after Murphy's Law)... but I don't feel it quite hits the right 'umami' taste of the 'real thing' I experienced in the dream, very very close to the idea, but something was missing

 

Charlotte this morning : 

"Charlotte's blue heeler side was showing this morning - definitely herding dog there - I slept in today because it was Sunday and she was completely focused on getting me outside to feed the chickens, nose bump, alarm snooze, beleaguered sigh with chin on bed, nose bump, hard stare and excited eyebrows every time I move... okay you're FINALLY up....circle to door, sigh, head to stairs, ok.. yes human the coffee (but, chickens? you know about the chickens, right? *head twist and circle*), okay the cookie, I like cookie too.. but... chickens? Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, turns circles.. *I get the chicken feed in the container* OK oh boy! *nearly soar through air on the way to the door* we're finally feeding the chickens! If that dog could fly, she would have all the way to the coop with me."

Mark says I could make four panel cartoons of this sort of thing.. and that is the best I can do in description.

 

And, about the night before last : 

"I had this dream last night where my brain was trying everything to wake me up, zombies, extra limbs, fantastic glass objects with light streaming through them in a temple where the water was rising, going through books that don't actually exist, seeing people in an office that I knew were TV actors and saying hello to them as their characters, walking through mazes that defied gravity, crowds of unfamiliar people, a ghost, papers and signs in foreign language, vehicle issues where my key didn't want to work, logging into work terminals with the wrong password, trying to open combination locks from years ago - just one puzzle/problem thing after another and each thing I faced I was like 'ok'.. go through the motions, get through this thing and you just know something else will show up etc.. but none of it actually pushed me to awake - and then, I picked Esme up at the bus stop during the rain in my mail vehicle (instead of my normal one) which the mail vehicle doesn't actually have a seat there, and I never take it home in the first place ---- and THAT did it --- it was such a surreal mix of real and 'wait, what - that isn't how this goes, this is never how this goes' that it finally did wake me up. And I thought.. wow, zombies, extra limbs, Japanese and Escher-type mazes didn't do it, but being in the wrong vehicle at the bus stop does. *that's my brain, I guess*"

... "still what makes me almost/ (the most) amused is that all the far-beyond-reality stuff doesn't 'faze' my sleeping brain, it just tries to find the way around it as if I am already knowing it is a dream and 'meh, these things happen' etc.. but the actually almost real normal thing but still 'hey the details are wrong' task was what shook me awake. In the dream I was asking myself 'is the stripe on Esme's coat just like that, I don't think it is....' and enough of those mismatches made me question enough to kick me out of the dream entirely" 

 

I really wish I could explain the glass figures - they were absolutely ethereal delicate, breathtaking and luminous - like sundial-shaped shells - - I worried if I tried to pick them up they would shatter just from the pressure of the touch - they were sitting on a shelf in front of some clerestory windows, but the water was coming in from the stairs above, rising in the sunken temple area (blue-green stone, similar to the minecraft underwater temples) and I needed to get out of there and continue my 'quest' - I think at that point I was looking for a bookcase to put the books in my office that I was sharing with several characters from Fringe and Warehouse 13, but really in the dream, I understood that my brain was playing with me there with the actors/celebrities/characters and the books that didn't exist were foremost on my mind (if I can see them and they are books I can make them again etc.) that if I was going to have them for a while yes I did need a bookcase... and then of course other things happened, in the crowd there was a girl in a yellow dress, who was asking me questions and I suddenly decided I could phase us into a ghost mode and get through the crowd and bring them to where they needed to be and warn them and some other people about some things, give them some philosophy etc. which was fairly basic, and then continue on my quest, saw my mail van, delivered some mail, sorted out codes, had the combination lock question, 39, 11 and I don't remember the last one, maybe 5 or 45, I didn't get it open - it was from ten years ago, and then I saw my daughter and two other girls getting off their bus, but not at the bus stop, and picked her up, but her coat had the wrong stripe, and I didn't recognize the other girls, and that my van doesn't have that seat there is a shelf there (which has happened in dreams before, conflation with another vehicle) and then I was still right-hand driving and somebody on the side of the road wanted us to pick up furniture in the van and I was dubious that it would fit or that I could lift it, but I got out and loaded it up with superhuman strength, and realized the texture of it was all wrong and at that moment I was investigating why it didn't feel correctly under my hand and that kicked me fully awake

the dream of three heads exchanged

 

 There are the three heads of state, they are meeting.  One is the Wizard, with his long hair and robes.  He is stern, and angry, and can move and change things with just the sound of his voice or the wave of his hand.  And yet, this does not satisfy him.  Another is the Scholar, who is not actually meeting.  This is his house, and the other two have showed up, and are having some sort of insistence on having a meeting.  The Scholar arranges his inks, looks at his books.  He wishes there was a room in the house that he could get away from the other two, and work on creating the drawings and books that are still so disorganized after so many years.  In many ways, he has been running from both of them for years.  He has been running away from the entire world, perhaps for all of his life.  He picks up bottles of ink from another room, how have they wandered there?  He scowls at his housekeeper girl, who reminds him so much, in some ways, of the King.  No matter how well the house is organized, something is always wandering away one way or the other, sometimes even by his own absentmindedness.  In that, he himself reminds himself of the King. 

 

The King is a young and strong man, with a curly black head of hair.  The Scholar is trying to tell him things, trying to pass information through stories, bringing out maps, drawings - hoping to pick up the man's interest.  The King actually does visit here often, with one thought or another to discuss, and the Scholar tries to remember information he has found that might help him or help him make his decisions.  But the King is not in the mood to think, he feels like all he does is think all day - on things everyone asks him to do, laws to make, things that seem to swirl around and around and hardly ever come to anything but by inches.  

 

The Scholar is upset, and wishes he could make the Wizard go away - he is a bad influence on such a young hothead as the King is at the moment.  And the bringing of the three together, at this place, at this time, does not bode well.  There is a prophecy of the switching of three heads, and that in this could end the world.  

 

The Wizard strides angrily around the room, interested by everything but not having time for any of it.  He paces and does nothing useful.  He breaks things, he smacks the mouth of a small white monkey that is attempting to get affection.  He threatens to take its mouth away entirely by magic, if it does not go away.  The housekeeper gives it a bit of fruit and it sits clutching her robes at her feet and bares its teeth as the Wizard paces about.  He gestures angrily at everything, whether it is right or wrong.  The thought of the end of the world actually makes him excited.  He rubs his hands together and thinks of all the ways it could be accomplished.  And yet, something does hold him back.

 

The Scholar gathers the last of his inks into one room, on the desk, even though he is afraid with one sweep of his hand the Wizard will simply dash them to pieces.  Then, with the Wizard to his one side, and the King to the other, he begins to make his case.  I know what you have come to do, brother, he tells the Wizard.  And I know you do not think you can stop him, but you have come anyway, he tells the King.  And you do this because you do not know, neither of you, the way everything entangles and becomes from things you have not yet discovered.  Without you here, King, this could not happen.  If you had left and went far away, this would not have happened.  Without you here, I would have no need to worry, he tells the Wizard.  And yes, if I was not here, if I went out that door and left my home and all of these books, it would also not happen.  However, how can I leave you, with your destructive nature, and you, with your carelessness, here in my library?  You come here to my home, and because of that, I do not leave.  We are all to blame.  

 

But I also know that this was prophecy because it will happen, at some point.  I have read it, in many languages, and have spent many years thinking over what it could possibly mean.  And now, my brother, for yes - you see, I remember in many lives, I was your little brother, my Wizard friend.  And you, also my brother, you were my little brother in many lives, my friend the King.  And I know you both as brothers.  You, my elder brother, are hotheaded and do not think things through, and are even more angry when you discover the very information you wished for but did not have when you acted.  You, my younger brother, are strong and ready to act, but have the worst habit of getting yourself into exactly the place you do not need to be.  It is not entirely a fault, without that, we would never solve some things that need solving.  For my fault, all too much, is that I will avoid the fight at all costs except the loss of knowledge.  

 

Here, we sit, looking at the prophecy that says the end of the world will come from the switching of three great heads.  And you, my elder brother, are all ready with the sword to take them off and reassemble them by magic.  And you, my younger brother, are also ready with the sword, with no plans whatsoever.  For years I have been trying to rephrase and reword, are they heads of state, are they headwaters of rivers, are they this, are they that.  And here as I sit between you two I find that they are actually the changing of minds.  

And now that I cannot back away from this situation any longer, I have a proposal.  We should switch our heads.  Ah, yes, I have your attention.  Hold with me a little longer, as I explain how.   The Scholar holds his hair for a moment up on top of his head, mimicking the Wizard's hairstyle, then flattens it down to his head, mimicking the King. He turns to address the Wizard first.  You, my elder brother, should become a Scholar.  If you were to become a King, in your frame of mind - you would destroy the world.  But something holds you back because you want to know what will happen - and that curiosity needs to be developed.  You must learn more and solve the anger that burns in your eyes.  You must take to maps and stars, chemistry and botany and use your powers to discover how the world is put together, in order to use your powers in ways that do not destroy things.  Don't look at me like that.  Think.  That is the thing that you Avoid.  The scholar avoids too much, but he also teaches, and collects information so it can not disappear.  I see that recognition now in your eyes.  This is what it means to exchange our heads - to exchange our old ways of thinking, and try on new ones.

 

And you, my brother, the King - you must become the Wizard, taking your energy and your vitality out into the world learning to make things move in ways that do not involve the horse and the sword.  You must animate your energies and organize things beyond campaign and country.  And to do this yes, you will also need to learn, and you will need a teacher, perhaps in our eldest brother, the Wizard here, as he becomes the Scholar.  

 

And I will also need a teacher.  I, who do not wish the position and would avoid it at all costs, must become a King, and go out into the world and use what I have learned in books.  But they do not always work in the real world, as you, my little brother the King, know all too well.  I must try to arrange the affairs of real men and women, laws and countries.  And without the power of the Wizard to point and make things happen, for that only works in one or two places, where the power of the King is to move many minds and set up structures that will move whole societies in good and purposeful directions even in the places he is not present.  

 

And in this, we would have swapped heads, and the world would not end, as it might if we lost all the knowledge I, the Scholar have put together in this place.  And we might surely lose it if you the Wizard, my dear brother, destroys it out of anger.  We might also lose it, though, if you were to became the King.  For you are so used to having your way immediately at the snap of your fingers.  And if the Wizard has thought this through, and has any love in him still for his little brothers, he will open his eyes and take to quelling his impatience with the world.  

 

And you, my youngest brother, the King.  In learning how to move (the very elements of) things yourself, where you are, in the powers of the Wizard, and with your wisdom and knowledge of people and their ways, perhaps you can influence in one or two places the world as it is, and move it the directions you had always wanted to, bit by bit, inch by inch, still, but in a different way that you can see and touch.  Perhaps this will fill that longing ache within you for the things that never seem to happen, no matter how hard you have tried to get people to agree and work towards them.

For in the end, you can know all there is to know, but do nothing with it.  You can move mountains, but not in the right directions, if you have not studied the flow of the rivers and the animals that live there.  You can move nation states to peace or to war, but it is still a game of chess and the moving of hearts and minds that often cannot agree.  In changing our heads, we each can grow and become more, instead of less on the chopping block.  The Library is yours, my eldest brother.  Please be gentle with it, and let it show you the wonders of it.  If you become impatient with one thing, open another - and another.. and through the learning of many things the structures of this world you have moved so easily in the past will reveal their miraculous interwoven web.  A world of energy and possibilities awaits you, my youngest brother, and a change to move your chess pieces on the world stage differently and with more purpose.  And perhaps I will need both of you to point my way out into the World of men and minds, as well.  

 

So, can we decide to cooperate, instead of destroy? 

June

 

The first full set of the Scrabble tiles

Charlotte 'helping' me in the garden, rolling around and making sure all the rabbits and deer know this is her place as well as mine.

 There are some fruits starting on the plants here, tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers - Mark thinks I put too much fertilizer to water ratio when I put some out to day but I will water more again tomorrow as it will be ninety degrees.  But I have a short postal route to run, as well.

Esme and I went out to get chicken feed today, and then got library cards and books in the town where I work at the post office.  We have cards for the other one in our county, but we haven't gotten over there as often - and it was a good idea to stop.  She said that the young adult section in this library, even though the place was very very small, was really good.  We also stopped and got drinks at a cafe and went to sit in a college student nook for a bit to read our books - there was a grackle coming back and forth feeding a nest of baby birds up high in the rafters there - it was quite cool to watch.  We didn't even know they were there until the parent arrived and suddenly the world was full of chirp.  We had went down to the nook because there as a lawncare company making huge noise by the gazebo in the square we initially tried to sit at.

I also made a pint of blackberry syrup from blackberries up the road.  Mark didn't think they were going to be useful - and I couldn't help myself from picking at least a small amount.  I followed my instincts, although I looked up that it should be apple cider vinegar AND salt (I remember salt always, from my mother's instructions) and clear water and many rinsings to remove the little bugs that like to live in the berries.  And then heat up to boiling with sugar, lemon juice and water and mash it up, then bring to simmer and simmer for a bit, and then strain it to get out as much of the seed and pulp as possible.  Mark wanted me to add even more sugar to it - I doubled the amount I had originally put in it, but then I told him I was going to see what this was like before adding more.  I had a spoonful of it on ice cream, and it was very good.  It could have been thicker, simmered down longer etc.. but it's still quite good the way it is.

Did Greek lesson, Spanish Duolingo, French Duolingo (high grammar), Russian lesson on Busuu, and Lithuanian and French alternating on Babadum and Baltoslav.  I read half of Neil Gaiman's 'Stardust' book that I checked out from the library.  

 

It is 8 pm and I've been up since 4 am... will try to get some more sleep tonight.

 

ramblings:

I was woken up so early this morning by a very strange dream of my mother, and the 'afterlife' / 'between-world' etc.. as the mixed up ways of roads and hallways and bureaucracy and things that make no sense - it is not the first time, not by far, that I have had the same sort of dreams - usually she is 'lost' or has to ask me something again, like what my phone number is - but this time she wanted to talk to me about what I was going to take into the hospital to do a surgery, and I picked out a few bits of clothes out of the car we had come in, saying I didn't need even half of this stuff for a two day stay etc.. and I was trying to figure out how to carry a bag in, if anybody was going to help me, but I grabbed a long-sleeved pink and white gingham shirt that was very specific and said that would be useful for sitting up in bed once I was feeling better, my stepfather (who is still alive, I'm pretty sure) took one of the bags from me, but he set it down on the ground, he was with a few other people I never actually looked at and they asked him and me about the twins (my cousins, his nieces) and I told them I hadn't heard anything about them in years, sorry - we discussed something about what I was going into the hospital for, something I had been ignoring in my stomach (makes no sense) and it had gotten to the point I had more trouble with it and needed to fix it - and my stepfather and the other people went back into the van - but my mother came with me - and then I went up into the hospital and my mom came with me, I was carrying a small bag and the shirt draped on my arm, we passed through all the hallways just fine on the way to the right office, I stopped and looked at a vending machine someone was messing with at a checkpoint desk, while they found out if I was supposed to be there and I waited for them to open the door - it was full of strange packaged foods like a candy machine, but the outlet was some sort of square bucket somebody (an old man, the guard was talking to him, apparently he did this often) was trying to mix stuff up right there like a slop pit - and I decided I didn't want any of that food - and then when I was supposed to check in at the correct time for the surgery (2 pm) a nurse met me in the hallway and looked me up on a list, said they weren't ready, things were just too busy, brought me to a waiting room, where I tried to check in with the secretary on the left who was VERY rude and snappy and wouldn't let me say a word in edgewise even to say who I was - she just wanted me to sit down and wait until spoken to - how long? don't TALK, don't look at me, No No don't EVEN etc.  and another nurse or secretary leaned over while I was going 'sheesh' to my mom and we were sitting down - she told me in a low voice that it was just very busy today, things weren't going right at all, and the other lady was just very upset - the angry lady peered down the row and  snapped at me again for sitting (when she had told me to) - and for talking to the other lady - and I didn't like that at all - went into some room after a few minutes with the clipboard nurse and my mom and somebody else were asking me about what I wanted to know about what they might do, and what might happen - discussed that didn't I know things could go wrong, I said everything would be alright, no matter what, as long as they wrapped me in a clean cloth soaked in clean water, things would turn out okay and I was very lucid in that moment in the dream - with my conviction and knowing I should be afraid of what she was implying but saying 'this is how this is'  This felt like one of those 'tests' in a dream, where they try to make you terrified of what might happen, but you already know it is a dream - but you are also bound to tell them your exact personal truth because you can see it at that moment clearer than you sometimes do when you are awake.  They wanted me to back out?  Have a crisis?  Demand a ton of more info?  But I didn't, because there was nothing I could do personally that was going to affect the outcome, but also, it was a dream and I was awake in the dream.  Usually - lucid dreaming you can do whatever you want, and make things happen because you know it is a dream - but I felt this was more a 'deep questions' thing.  However, we went further into the room and I got onto the hospital bed or exam table? it was hard like a table but sat up like a bed, and I quickly fell asleep - and lost time - then was floating above over the tables in that room it was almost Star Trek looking down at multiple tables set at odd angles to each other, sort of like a pathway or buffet, and there were body parts all over them, very unrealistic heads and legs and arms - and someone was telling me they were mine, but no they weren't (hey, Worf's head made an appearance, and he was definitely not me)- because I was right here and standing up from beside the table whole and clothed just the same as when I came in - and it was all just movie props - I could tell they wanted me to be scared, but I was more creeped out and wondering why they were messing with me (we watched something sort of gory last night, the movie Pitch Black), and I couldn't tell if they did any surgery or not or I had just been asleep and woke up - and I didn't really want anything more to do with the place, so somehow we ended up walking back out of there and getting into what looked like my postal van but with seats instead of the racks - I was driving with my mom alone in the van down roads that doubled back over them (I've been there before - in many dreams, it is so hard to find the right exits, you have to get on the correct highway ramp to begin with, then you have to exit, go back down the other way parallel and opposite to where you were going a second ago, and then turn again onto the right road again), and then we were driving straight along and the road got narrower, and narrower, and we were now in the country, traveling down a less busy road, over some railroad tracks looking down into places where I was sure I had gotten my vehicle stuck before, and places that I maybe had walked before, and forgot where I was going - I had lost mom at the railroad tracks somewhere back there and I was by myself again and even my car wasn't a real car, it was a little electric toy thing I was riding that shouldn't even have been able to go that fast - and when I got to 'work' I was trying to find a parking spot for it, I didn't even want to leave in the parking lot because it was scooter-weight and could just be picked up and carried off - so I carried it under my arm into the building! and tried to find a place to stash it behind some chairs in the breakroom... I was working at the cross/mixup between Michaels and Lowes again trying to figure out what locker to put things in and how to login and what time I should be there on the schedule, and what I needed to do today... eventually woke up because I hate the 'passwords' and 'combination locks' bits - up to then I can navigate the dream but those usually make me just wake up

Goodbye Tink and thoughts

We had to say goodbye to little Tink today, the little black kitten that wasn't even quite six months old.  We really don't know what happened to him - but suspect he ate something bad, or something that had eaten something bad (like a mouse or bird)... he was fine at nine o'clock last night, and dead before seven o'clock this morning... with no apparent injuries other than throwing up on the floor.  So very sad.. Esme had to see him as well before we took him out to bury him.  She was shocked, but maybe felt better for knowing... his eyes were still open - and that bothered her a lot.

Sorry to be so frank on all that.. it bothered me quite a bit, as well.

I had just woken up from a jumbled type of dream before I went down to find him - sort of lost in time in my own mind not sure if my mom would walk down the hallway in her cotton nightgown or not - realizing that hallway was far away, in time and space, but really just around the corner in my head - sorting out that I was no longer a child, .. that my mom had died, and would not be walking in at all - that I was asleep and dreaming, that I was the mother, and Esme was downstairs in her room in symbolic contrast to what my sleeping self had remembered at the beginning of the dream.. that if she did walk in it would be as a ghost - and wondering why my brain was even in 'that place' right now.  I backtracked to my dream self was thinking about she should be writing to my mom about Esme's school supplies and the end of summer/beginning of school -- it would be what I would do, as the 'change of season', to keep her updated, and send pictures etc.. an echo of things that I know would be happening, if things were different than they were right now.  My dream self didn't want to write that letter, or make that call.. the procrastination of the past six months or so with Mom that I had such a hard time communicating with her I would put it off until I had the mental energy..... I didn't even remember at first with that that the real reason to not write was that she was gone - and then feeling that I could still tell her in the dream - that she was nearby, but I would have to locate her - but not wanting to go and 'find' her... and ending up in the time jumble of she is nearby, just down the hallway, in her room, any moment she will come down the hall and check on me... and forcing myself to right my thinking and wake up...  I was about to pour a cup of coffee and come upstairs to write in my own dream journal about that dream.... when I saw the poor kitten laying oddly and not moving on the floor by the bathroom door.

Esme wrote a note and drew a picture of him in her Kindergarten notebook.. which she dug in her room and found after Mark took him away - saying she had to get her dream journal and write in it.

So oddly circular... strange day.
Tomorrow we give away the last of the puppies, we hope... and I have the weekend off.  Trying to fight a cold, myself.. tea and ginger.

tree ship dream

I had a dream last night that was beautiful and powerful. I was on a small ship, almost a raft, that had a great mast made of cedar. The mast went higher than the clouds - so I could not see the sail, and I could not see into the water around the ship as if it was a grey rainy day. However, at the base of the mast someone had chopped with an axe - and the heartwood was showing red and flaky there .. and it worried me terribly as the mast felt as if it could bend and break towards the cut. I put my hands to it and from the chopped place not knowing what could be done - looking for something to bind it with. From my hands a thorny bush began to grow all around the damaged area and down to the deck below - it grew with a fury and wrapped the mast so strong it stood strong and straight as if a tree. Then the bush began to blossom with Cherokee Rose. And I knew it was both love and protection for that mast forever from that point. That could almost be a painting in itself.

saturday again and dreaming fours

It's been a whole week already again... so hard to believe.
I'm sewing some afghan squares together here and there. Esme is worrying me just a tad with a very odd color in her diaper - I'm blaming blue Kool-Aid. I just hope it gets "through" with soon or I'll start to worry more. Mark gave away the last of the puppies yesterday - so we are down to just two puppies (Nova and Esme). haha

It's odd how my imagination works. In my dream last night Esme was quadruplets - and I was trying to get them all ready for a trip to town. I was putting dresses on them - the raglan long sleeve dresses, but in different fabrics than I had made the real ones in. That was clue one I was dreaming (why wasn't the quadruplet idea clue one?) - the second clue was someone was asking what the girls' names were - and I said they were all Esme - as if it was normal - and that I usually only brought one to town but today we were going on a longer trip so we had to bring all four of them... which was difficult.

What spurred this dream? Esme woke up at 3 in the morning and demanded a drink cup refill - but she wouldn't let me change her diaper. And it needed it! Luckily I didn't have to change her clothes, as it wasn't wet through yet. It was such a fight that when I went back to sleep for a few hours before getting up for work - I dreamed what it would be like times four! I also thought maybe these were the different 'states' of Esme - upset, awake, asleep etc... one Esme had her hair wild and was running away from me, another was crashed on the floor of her room asleep, one sitting reading in her bed, one sitting at a table with her hair nicely put back etc...

I really liked two of the dress fabrics in the dream... haha, imagining a dress in a different fabric felt odd too.



One was a muslin cream with brown flowers on it like the upper left - and another was blue stars with white sleeves.. her bumblebee buzz dress (real) made an appearance as did the fabric from her Christmas dress.

Dreaming in Stormy Weather

I had the strangest feeling when I woke up early this morning. It was just after dawn - and I had been dreaming I was in a round swing chair that was sucking me in and I couldn't get out. I woke up like 'can't breathe' and the air around the house just 'felt strange.' It was exactly like being wrapped up in a sphere that was slowly pressing in on all sides.

For about a minute I sat up in bed wondering if I should get up and check the weather report. It felt like the air could break at any moment. Then there was a huge crack of lightning and the world did break - out into sheets of rain on all sides of the house. It rained heavily for quite a while, and that satisfied me enough to go back to sleep for a few hours. It is still raining and thundering and lightning...

Mark looked at our weather radar and it just showed little 'hot spots' of severe activity all around us. I'm wondering if there is a tangible weather phenomenon that caused that 'charged sphere' feeling or if it was just my sleepy brain overreacting to the sounds of the storm.

Dream bag is finished

I started this weaving in February and it is finally done. The old one is now in a box, and it's contents are in this one. I also asked a pottery artist I love on Etsy to make a new ceramic rabbit tile for me. If I decide not to use it as a replacement for my current tile I can save it for our little girl.

Overall I'm really happy with this bag. It was looking very uneven on the loom, and making me wonder how it would work out. It sewed up with just a little bit of strangeness on one side, and that isn't really distracting to me. The two sides have very different looks, while the old one was the same pattern front and back.




Materials: cotton warp, mercerized cotton embroidery thread for the weft in purple, blue and white.

New Loom

I've wanted a 'real' loom since I was a teenager. I tried to build one several times, but it never stood up to the wear, or missed key pieces. I've woven items on picture frames, cardboard, books, doors and most recently, the found frame that used to be part of a table. Yes, that is what the big frame I've been using for the dream bag is - and it has done quite well! However, I still wanted a loom with a heddle, and something portable. A few days before my birthday I ordered this.


It's a Beka loom from Dick Blick catalog.


A few minutes work with their already-warped setup gave this.

How to Warp a Rigid Heddle Loom <-- so I'll remember later.


I'm hittinng the home stretch on the dream bag, as well.
This will be one side, and you've seen the other. I'm still using the finger pick up method to get the shed on this, or it would be going a lot faster. Those long bars with all the slots are called 'heddles.' They allow you to pick up the sheds just by pushing the bar up or down and scooping them all up at once.

Baby Update: We see the doctor again on Thursday. She has been kicking me furiously between eight and ten at night as her chosen 'awake' period - but also at random times during the day. I'm finally starting to feel awkward bending over for things and will be asking the doctor what is the best way to do that - since my book only shows the proper way to 'lift small packages'... How long will it be before a piece of paper on the floor defeats me? *grin*

Thanks for all the well wishes yesterday. In all but the law, I was 'divorced' that morning in January when I made my final decision. I am happy to have the legal part finished though finally.

Dreamweaving

Still working on the dream bag weaving. It is now 8.5 of 13 inches. The summer solstice is in two days, and it probably won't be done in time. But, at least it has spurred me to work on it some more. It has gotten noticeably narrower as I go up. In past weavings I've taken a 'guide-string' out from the sides and stretched the weaving taut across the frame here and there as I go up. This is such a large frame and such a small weaving, it didn't seem plausible. I'll have to get a small lap-frame later to make small weavings and save this large frame for vertical belts and larger pieces.

I've been feeling our baby move more and more - and Mark has been able to feel what he called a 'squidge' or 'squirming' at one point when I felt she was being really active. We are twenty weeks today and it's about time for others to be able to feel her movements besides me! She really doesn't like it when I put dishes in the dishwasher - she starts to squirm a lot (for something so small) and then calms down when I finish. I guess that is because there is a lot of bending down and getting back up and that must be rocking her 'apartment' walls so bad she can't sleep ;)

The little 'tickles' and 'swishes' I was feeling during the last month are giving way to taps and tiny thumps, especially towards the lower part of my belly. Up on the top of my belly (where I first felt her) it still feels like little twinges and swishes under the surface.



Also, we still have orchids blooming! This is the last one to bloom so far.

Bird Mask continues...

I say I get a lot out of my dreams, and my art ... this bird mask is an extension of a project that takes elements from both.


First I finished the sewing of the fabric to the wireframe.


Then I sat down and planned out what the decorations and symbols should be.
I didn't intend for it to look like Spiderman... but while putting the background into the picture I realized it kind of does! *eep* Well, those are the colors this should be, so if it shares them with Spiderman it does hehe.

Interpreting the Art: This is meant to be a dream or spirit mask. It is covered in 'good' symbols from my artwork. A bird is a common symbol of a giver or deliverer of messages. The symbols inside and out on this mask 'talk' about seeing the path, and protecting life. The deep rust-red colour is a tie to the earth.


Put the first coats of red and gold paint on the mask and let it dry

I'll be continuing this project later - it will take some careful pencil drawing and painting to get it to look like the plan. I'm not sure what to put for the 'life' disks that are hanging like 'ears' either -- will have to think up what materials will work best for that.

KnitOwl in Progress

Piece of 02/08 drawing (5 pm)
I really like the symbol on the rabbit's shoulder (gold figure).
It is a combination of 'universe', 'life', 'motion/turning', 'thoughts' and both the female and male indicators that usually appear on the heads of other creatures/figures.


Wool yarn that came in the mail
same colours as my dream bags, oddly...


A little knitting in between computer reboots


More progress on the dream bag weaving
I 'turned back' early, perhaps the front of the bag will have top to bottom symmetry and the back will be a different pattern altogether? A lot of things are different in my life now, so thinking that the symmetry of my dream bag can be what it wants to be as well...
Had a strange dream early this morning.. saw
'UNTIMEDNESS *NCOUNTERS THE TIMEDNESS'
written on some old stones in a wall before entering a hidden tunnel. The * was a missing/broken area - not sure if that word means 'uncounters' or 'encounters.' My subconscious doesn't spell very well (or use proper grammar, apparently.. untimedness? *heh*) - and actual written words appearing in dreams are rare for me. There was also a bad part in the dream, a warning, about my brother -- called my mom to get more information. He is still holding off an important doctor's appointment and subconsciously I'm worried about it enough to scare myself.

I've started a few other projects as well - redrawing my softie patterns from scratch, and the last alien order. Thanks for the suggestions on the name for the skeleton - any more? Maybe one will 'stick' to him - well... not much is sticking to him now at all ;o)

Dream Bag Weaving, old and new

The weaving for the dream bag is continuing along. Here it is compared with the old (and well-used) dream bag, that usually resides under my pillow, so as to lie just under my ear as I sleep.



So, what is in a dream bag? It would be different for every person. I put in special items that I feel are important. My items are symbols representing links to certain people, qualities and structures that are either important to who I am, or to what I am seeking to dream about. Some items stay in the bag for years, while others come in and out depending on the topics most important to me at the current time.

I think dreams are important, especially 'strong' dreams. When I have those 'pay attention - you're here IN this dream and things are happening around you in real-time' lucid-type dreams, I do pay attention - and see what they might be telling me. Sometimes I get an idea of what is important, or wrong, or needing attention in my waking life - that I have been forgetting or trying to avoid. I view the whole dream experience as a subconscious experiment - another way of gathering and sorting information with my subconscious. (For those of you who have read a little bit about my ink art - you will see this connection in their purpose, as well.) The dreams are rich in symbolism and often 'wacky' in their structure -- but usually upon waking I have a 'Oh Wow' moment - where I understand what my brain was saying and what I need to do with this information while I am awake.

So, do I really think this bag, or the things inside it, makes a difference? In other words, why do this? I think, at the very least, it helps make a focus point, putting things together in my mind just before I sleep that carry over, psychologically, into the 'dream world' of my subconscious. I have a very visual mind, as well, so making a visual symbol with attached meanings helps me personally, to carry over, better than simply thinking 'I want to dream about X.'