It's been busy weeks - on top of busy weeks. The cold let up a little - we're getting some rain but hopefully no ice overnight. Got the little car's heater fixed. Mark had his birthday - I gave him some clothing and some candy that Esme and I had picked out when we got propane one day. He watched a lot of the cartoons and movies he likes - and ordered some things for his computer that is only just now arriving.
It doesn't feel like Christmas will be here in a few weeks. I've only bought a few things and to be completely honest - I never even took the little tree down last year. It's still up from LAST YEAR. But it does need to be taken down and cleaned and the lights replaced and put back up. If I can figure out time that I have ambition that isn't used for making dinner and laundry and existing. I've come home and just sort of collapsed on the couch for a while and not been very conversational a few times. That isn't really my style - It's been a bit like the epitome of 'flattened'.. edging back towards human at the end enough to eat and talk. Usually my style is to come home and eat a huge pile of food and chat way too much until I deflate from the anxiety of the day and then ease back down from the high-tension end of the slide into normal. I've had fewer of the 'keep doing what needs doing but anxiety of single being in a single timeflow with multi-dimensional timeflow thoughts that I can't process so I stick them down in the box all day until it overflows' type of days. But I'm not sure if this is better or not - the 'I've kept doing all that needed doing but my 'brain box' is only full of dead space - no brain, no thoughts, just 'stop' or 'go' and now that I've stopped I'm flattened' feeling is a bit worse. I guess other people would explain that as : 'I'm tired'. But I guess that is proof I do still have those multi-dimensional thoughts when I start to think about it... when I'm not so tired.
Today I pushed on and after work went to the bank (hard quest, it closes less than a half hour after I get out of work, about a half hour drive away from bank), feed store (also closes an hour after bank does, but only fifteen minute drive away from bank), then another store for Mark and the grocery store, and then home. I am really glad the little car made it through all those stops. When the mail truck was having trouble with its battery that was an ever-increasing anxiety making multiple stops without running the truck long enough to charge the battery in between. Quests for humans, indeed... with difficulty settings.
Not to mention it gets dark so early now. And is extremely dark and cold and sometimes icy in the mornings. It could be worse. I don't want it to be. Boss was ranting to me about somebody taking days off and going to be fired for missing work - and I told her my anxiety stack is still on all the ice days of previous years and I can't say one word one way or the other about anyone else because I'm just doing my best to be there every day and anxiety about what will happen if/when the weather changes. She tried to assure me that I can't control the weather. Yea. That is what worries me.
I called all of our errands and my work days 'quests for humans' the other day to Esme - as she helped us get groceries with Grandma, and propane. I told her it feels like that sometimes, like ticking off parts on some video game quest until you get all the bits done - but then it's just done for that day, and it rolls back around the next day starting all over again. I had a very very busy postal route the other day, but not so much I couldn't get it done. I'm wondering what this weekend will be like - Christmas packages et al. This is the time of year they used to call in some help. I used to be that help, on the weekdays - but now I am at the office job during the week. Last Saturday they said that they were surprised I finished it all without needing help, but I said I didn't know they were providing help yet, so I pushed through and got it done - by continuously telling myself during the day : 'It's not going to help to sit here and stare at it - up, onward, get it done' over and over until it got done. Thus: the quests for humans. There is a book I keep seeing that is close to that name but it isn't quite the same emotion.
And I feel like my hips, knees, ankles, fingers and wrists are all clicky at the moment - it could be worse, don't want it to be. It's like my muscles are made of toothpicks bound together with lots of rubber, and the toothpicks are clicky and shifting around and hoping they don't break. I am glad the weather has been good - hope that continues to be. Just keep getting home from work, dinner, head to bed after a bit. I played the game a few days (Sims 3) and it still feels like I've just wasted most of that time. I discovered how some things work again - without going and looking things up - but still, it got nothing done in the real world.
I've sent out several copies of my Mikki Mack book to people - sold one locally, and still need to find a way to get the rest of the stack to the local gallery. They are open later on Fridays (or, at least they used to be) so I might have to take up that 'quest for human' mentality and just push push to have that be something I want to get done so I make sure it gets done. At the office job that is how I make things work - just push push and when I stop to breathe for a minute line up the next stack. Same thing with the postal route. Same thing with lots of things, it's the only way I keep the balls in the air. I'm just still adjusting to that weird feeling of stopping and there isn't new material coming in from all sides of my brain that has nothing to do with the task at hand or minimal tangents. It's like missing an old friend that don't hardly get any time to spend with, except the old friend is my creative side which is asleep in a chair in the corner.
Languages - lots of Japanese. A little bit of Czech. Not a lot else. The Japanese on my highest Duolingo profile is actually getting into new words FINALLY.... why has it taken so long? It really has. And I do like the little yomu yomu app that has short conversations or stories to listen to. The Czech language app is a bit annoying in that it is supposed to recognize your speech and there are so many things I cannot come close to pronouncing (acc. to the app) but yet I feel like I understand them and am saying them as best I can.
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