more patois

 

a bit more of the strange things I always say, that probably don't mean exactly what they are supposed to - and who knows about the grammar.. it's a patois of probably a rural type of French my grandmother would have learned??, maybe some Welsh, and probably also mixed with Latin that I've picked up over the years to fill in some of the gaps of what I didn't learn correctly from my grandmother.  Between today and yesterday I noted a few more of the ones that I use often.

ga se ve ça va! - translate says it means, 'its okay'??? Not really! I need to know more about this one!)  // I said this today, and I didn't realize it until it had already come out of my mouth.  Why?  I saw a dead spider in the bathtub, that wasn't there a minute ago (had probably been in the overflow when I started to run the bath!).  What do the words mean?  No clue where it comes from - but I've said it many times before.  It's definitely a description of surprise and means I don't like that at all.  I would say in a pinch it means the opposite -that whatever that it is, it is NOT okay.    Esme would come running if she heard me say that loudly and ask What's wrong?!?!

engré savoir ne quoi // something on the order of 'it's difficult to know why (that it is difficult)'

on se la // that is how it goes?(translates to 'we are there' actually), maybe 'we are like that' it is usually part of a sentence,  like c'est la vie, but having to do with how things go in general  c'est la vie, on se la ceci ce vie, je ne sais pas être aussi ne toute ça mais c'est la vie, c'est la vie- it's like remembering parts of an old song I don't ever remember hearing??

on prêts , on prêts ça , often sounds like 'amprets' or 'empress' when I'm talking fast // we're ready, we're ready for that, like allons'y but a different tone that means things are correct now for us to proceed, where allons'y means 'let's go'

em brasé // it's bruised, it's damaged (when I picked up a tomato and the underside was leaking)

We really did a lot out in town yesterday, but today I realized I still needed to get chicken feed before the weekend ties me up.  So I pushed myself up, did some chores and went out and did town again, and got gasoline in that car at the same time.  That is still harder for me than it is for most people, I'm certain of it.  I thought about a lot of other things I could do - all the cost-analysis and psychological things that sometimes keep me on reins and just wanting to get home and be done... even getting done the two things I really did need to do was going to be exhausting, no matter how enjoyable some of the rest would be - it was just even more relief to get it done and be home.  And now I'm home and cleaning out leftovers to eat for lunch, looking at recipes for other things to make and thinking about what I can do for the afternoon.  I've started a dishcloth in that yarn from yesterday already, and still need to finish that bag.  There's always more laundry.

 

(at the top) : some more of the geometric windspinners Mark has been working on.  His 'extra large paperclip' sold a few at the market yesterday - the lady said she was going to use them to keep sheet music pinned down.  Several others picked them up and tried them out - but they didn't buy any.  He has sold half a dozen or so of his ergonomic lighter holders that keep hold of a bic-type lighter without letting it fall out even when it is upside down.

I did some Japanese at about 2 am... I should probably tune into my French lessons today, but we'll see where I go from there.  I'm still playing the Stardew Valley in French, which makes it difficult at times to talk to Esme about new things in the update - I give it to her in the French on the screen and the approximate translation I think the English should be (without going to the wiki) and she says OH I know that one, I haven't done it yet, but I think I've seen it.  Jus de Igname de neiges (juice of the snow yam).  She made a crack about that while we were in the canned vegetables at the store yesterday, I don't see any snow yams yet, do you?

I do like my madeleines pans - the pair of them I got this Spring.  I also like trying to remember the recipe from scratch each time and just winging it - it still turns out good.  The dogs appreciate it, as well.  I dropped two of them popping them out of the pans tonight and had to throw them in the sink to cool - but there was much happy hound at the end.  They always do get a few lately, and over the course of the next few days in the fridge they'll beg every time I open the bag.

simplest recipe : 3 to 4 eggs (from our chickens), 1/2 cup white sugar, 3 tbsp brown sugar, vanilla extract (BEAT), 1 cup flour, baking powder, salt, 1/2 cup softened butter (BEAT) - put 1 tbsp in each madeleine pan well, bake at 375 degrees (preheated) for 10-12 minutes, do not flip, use a spoon AND a fork to take them out (fork to hold, spoon to scoop), rub darkened side on a plate of powdered sugar and place on another one to cool, put up in a plastic bag with a paper towel set in the bottom of it.

Did the French language lessons - then began to research the biryani spices and recipe variations some more.  I saw the difference between garam masala (which I have) and biryani masala (which I don't have), and figured I can probably use the entire research to just make something similar enough and find what I like.  That's the goal, really.

long day

We went out to help get groceries this morning with Grandma, and to get a few school things for Esme.  Then when we got home, I made a salad, and we turned around and headed out to the farmer's market to sell plants.  So, Esme and I have both had a long day. (above: Lyffan yesterday telling me she had a long day and would I just serve dinner already, please?)

I bought some fine egg noodles and some brown jasmine rice while we were at the store - we had plenty of time to look at the ethnic foods and discuss things.  I used to really like to make some Chinese noodles that were a bit like this with simple olive oil, soy sauce and black pepper on them - we'll see if they taste anything like that.  I had read a recipe for biryani rice (an Indian dish) the other day but hadn't felt like it was really something I could make (yogurt in it, and I tend to not keep it because when I do, I always worry it is going to go 'off').  This rice was on clearance, so I decided to try it.  I'll read up a bit more now that I have some of the rice.  Esme pointed out some dinosaur-bone brownie mix and said she was imaging a birthday party that was all archaeology themed - too bad she doesn't like chocolate that much.  She reminded me she did like hazelnuts, but everything that had hazelnuts also seemed to have chocolate in it.

Not much else to report - working on a few more crochet tote bags, bought a little more yarn for dishcloths, playing my game Stardew Valley some more and working towards some of the new update things, like the fish smoker, which I finally got last night, and the greenhouse (which is a community center reward), also finally got last night.  I did some Hungarian and Japanese today on Duolingo.

me(brain)-->kick studio <--laundry crunch

 So the long work weekend is over - and it looks like I have today off.  It is dim and humid from the rains the past few days, so I am still feeling a little quiet and wondering how much effort I want to put into things that need effort put into them.  And if I should play a little hooky from sweeping and laundry and etc for a few hours and work at my studio table, which would be very much more enticing if there was adequate light.  I've been playing with Hungarian again the past few days, remembering what I had nearly forgotten before it ran out of my brain - same thing I did with Finnish a week or so ago.  And I've done some French today to counterbalance it.  I worked on a bag yesterday while we watched the Hunt for Red October. 

After the small route yesterday, in the rainstorm, I was SO tired - enough to go to sleep, but I had gotten the pork loin on the way home anyway, and rounded everyone up to go out in the afternoon (since the rain had stopped, and that also makes me tired), and go get our major grocery list (still forgot a few things).  I was standing in front of the aluminum foil with Esme, trying really hard to do the 'bouncing ball map thing' with the entire list so I knew where we were going and how fast etc.. which I usually do in the back of my head -and I couldn't even focus on which aluminum foil we had at home compared to the assortment in front of us - and for a moment, couldn't even realize if Reynold's Wrap was aluminum foil or saran wrap.  Esme saw that and she knew I was very very tired, if I couldn't do that, and also didn't know ten steps ahead of myself where we were going next (I knew maybe the next two).  I was honest with her about that, so she knew why I wasn't doing my usual thing.  Mark was off on the other side of the store (he drove, luckily) getting other things.  

That kind of tired feels like being drunk, knowing that my brain isn't working to the potential I'm used to - I said it was a lot like this Princess Bride quote to both of them in the store, as we walked out- and then I had to make the meme.

But, I snapped up enough to get all the items that were on the list and a few that weren't (but missed two or three non-urgent things, because I didn't want to go across the store, and the other we weren't entirely out yet).  And we got home, made dinner and I didn't even crash hard until at least nine.  And then the dogs got me up and down half the night - so I'm halfway to brain power this morning and starting on my second pot of coffee at 10:30 am.

I'd like to push myself over to that studio table to work on a large sheet of paper with all my pencils, but I know that will take a few hours -

hours that could be used folding laundry, making a bed, washing counters and sweeping floors, and just general pickup from having been on at the post office for five days - and then there is just general buildup of stuff overall that happens with my ADHD and I don't find it bothersome until I actually get time maybe to do something about it (and even then, bah)

I think about the ink I was so excited to get four months ago, and have used twice?  That almost does it.  I think about yarn that looks like yarn the computer keeps advertising to me and I say 'if I just dug that out, maybe I could do something nice with it'.. and again, I counterbalance that potential use of time with the laundry, and cost-sink-analysis of how much benefit I'll truly get out of it as future me scowling at present-me wasting time doing-things as much as wasting time staring-thinking-things.  I think about time and space and that feels like lighting up a giant light bulb, I think about lots of things, chemistry, geometry, baking, the garden - and still the biggest factor is the dimness and the outside weather.

since it was wet outside, and she didn't want to miss dinner when it was eventually served yesterday, Lyffan slept in the table space just behind my computer monitor for a while yesterday.  I caught a couple of pictures of her, although it was entirely voluntary- she let me know she could have gotten up and left during that 'snappy eye thing' but she didn't - and please let her know when the tuna was ready.  *can opener did that, and Esme still had to poke her a bit to make sure she understood yes, now, come downstairs!*

Esme also made up a great batch of our Dragon Spice porkchop spice from Mark's metric recipe.  I have trouble sometimes without the scale he has doing it by hand.  I ordered some maple sugar chili spice the other day and will be interested to see what that is like when it comes.  I like to look at what the spice combinations are and keep some on hand to add to rice and stirfry stuff - but only for things Esme and I eat.  Mark keeps his mixtures for things specific, like meatloaf and porkchop spice, and they're good - but I like to try some different things. 

*stare into coffee cup a bit more*  if it wasn't so dank, I'd think more about baking

it's going to be one of those days, and the pinball method is probably the best thing for it.  do three things here, do three things there, continue moving until you're tired, try not to sit too long before getting up and pinballing a few more things - look at progress - decide the next three things etc etc...  the look at progress thing is just as important as the small break to drink coffee etc.. and to say 'that needed to be done, and now it's done' helps to do the next three things

11:30 I decided, after folding and sorting and starting another load of laundry, and putting away all the eggs from last night that had been set out to dry - that I needed to make a little french toast and then see what I wanted to work on next after that.  I've turned on some extra lights up here, picked up a few things, and planning some more steps.

4pm :  I've done some Japanese, and finished the laundry stuff, and Mark had roasted one of the ends of the pork loin since this morning so we all had sandwiches

7 pm : I did something at the studio table, and it wasn't half bad.. but I played a lot of my game, as well  I also went out and filled the chicken's nest boxes with fresh chips and poked around the garden, then cut up a bunch of cherry tomatoes, a few peppers and some of the lime basil and put it in a freezer container to make some food with in the next few days - the cherry tomatoes had just been in a bowl in the fridge building up but it was high time I did something more with them

drawing

of triangular cats

 Loki happened to be walking through the kitchen when I was taking other pictures tonight, and I caught one in focus of him.  I had found a spiral 'geometric resonance' shape the other week and tried to capture a picture of it for Mark - and he worked with his 3D printer and made me something similar to it as a drink coaster.  For the record, Loki says he is not a triangular cat - but, look at those whiskers!

Mark said he knew there was a name for that shape - and I jokingly said 'big guitar pick' - which Esme had agreed with was the shape /ha but he went a bit further and found that the outside rounded triangle shape is called a Reuleaux triangle.  It is very artistic - and he created it from mathematical equations, not the picture I had sent him.

Did a longer route today - I was only scheduled for the small one, but they called me after 6 last night and asked me to do it.  I had already strained my wrist picking up too many heavy things one-handed, but was able to baby it enough today that it feels better now than it did last night, even after doing that route (which was long, but luckily not as package heavy as my usual one).  I have the small route tomorrow, again. We made a good dinner, but we'll have to go grocery shopping tomorrow as we are out of so many things.  These long work weekends get tough! 

I worked on Spanish, Japanese and French today - and touched on Hungarian for a few minutes just because it has been forever since I looked at it.  I truly had forgotten so many words in it.

engres cau'r ça va

/philosophy post/ I find myself saying this little mantra to myself, and others, even without knowing the true provenance of it, when I'm just trying to get over the hump between now and 'a little ways from now'... was talking with Mark about that, I've gotten so much better on the postal route with the 'encapsulation of useful time'... I'm not wasting time, I'm getting paid and doing a necessary job, but still, it often feels like I'm just pouring the time into a bottle, corking it, and setting it on a shelf to look at but nothing really 'happened' during that time.  I delivered mail, another day, and I'm tired again.  

engres cau'r ça va 

It's hard enough, but it's okay.  / We've closed the hard thing up, and it's okay.  

après ci ca va

after this, it's really okay

aux troussé / à ses trousses 

It's on my heels, I'm being chased by it

Assez quoi! / Quoi?  / A ne se très se quoi / je ne sais quoi

Enough already / What is it? / It doesn't matter a bit / I don't know what it is

 

Some of that feeling, I've come to realize, isn't all anxiety, some of it is my ADHD.  And I'm using my own brain against myself (in a way) to keep myself on the task at hand, and since that is a huge effort, it feels like anxiety, but it IS getting the job done.  And I'm getting better at it.  But the 'extra tired' also comes with that territory, of doing the task and also doing the task of keeping myself on the task.

In the past, when I first started doing mail, there was so much more to worry about overall that I would actually feel mini anxiety panic attacks - because there was so much to worry about, and I was here pouring time into this task and trying to make it make everything else okay, eventually.. finances, life, goals, ultimate understanding etc etc.. I let my brain spread out too thin and didn't keep it on task - and then when I was finished with the route I STILL had all the regular worry waiting at the end of the 'string' of time.  I would spread it all out all day long like a huge four dimensional matrix in my head and look at all of the red flashing lights and then turn myself into a ball of stress.

It took a long time to hold my feelings in my hand, separate them down into their elements and look at them and not feel that domino-effect cascade of panic with it - and not have that panic come and take me over at the end of the day or whenever something else went wrong later.  That's a lot like the kids who sit still all day and then have a meltdown at the end... but all this time it was just masquerading as something else in me.  But also, the answer to it was in me - I just had to look at it for what it was telling me, so I knew what I needed to respond with.

So sometimes I have to take myself by the lapels (figuratively), and go through the paces:  I am one creature, at one sequential time, that this sequence has a beginning, and an end, and is moving at a set pace that I cannot change much.  The only thing that will make this feeling better is to continue along this time-string doing this task until it is done. (small breaks can help sometimes, but that's also a bad habit - it's like stopping while climbing a rope, you're still hanging there, and getting through to where you can put your feet down is so much better)  So, I'm doing this, and will continue to do this until it is done.   Because it is a task that does need to be done, and I'm the one here to do it.  And then, later, we will think about the other million things.   THEN I can let it overwhelm my timestream and matrices like a Rubik's Cube and work like an overactive pinball machine trying to make sense of this Universe.  But not while we're doing this NOW... and yes, somehow, that still feels a lot like anxiety, but a different color.  And treating it just as 'I have anxiety and worries' never helped before, like having this reminder about time does when I know it is this.

 

an attempt at what it feels like, to be stuck doing the one thing, but your brain continues to bounce while you try to hold it to the one orange line that is the shortest distance between the two points, it is naturally wanting to be a quantum particle anywhere at all within the triangle 

languages : I did mostly French, Japanese and Russian today with just a touch of Finnish to see if I still remembered the words.  I also did the 'minimum' on both profiles (about 50 xp) and we'll see how much time I have tomorrow.

friday bits

 

We had been out to the farmer's market last night, and then I had a small route to run this morning.  I woke up way too early for it *puff air up forehead*  So I would like to get myself to sleep earlier tonight for the larger route tomorrow, but so far I've gotten up and strung the warp (above) and haven't achieved laying down to try to sleep yet.  I haven't done anything on the blue weaving for a little while - and I didn't add anything else to this but the warp because I want to save my hands for tomorrow.

Last night at the farmer's market I had gotten some peppers that weren't quite 'sweet' and weren't entirely hot - but my fingers stung a little for three hours after chopping them up.  So I made sure to get some sweet peppers to cut up today to mix in with them in food to counteract. 

When I got home from that route, I chopped the vegetables and kielbasa I had bought and put them away in the freezer for quick dinner stuff.  I took care of the garden, then since it was way too early for Mark and Esme to have dinner - and they had just finished making cashew butter fudge, I made my own beans and rice dinner at 3 pm.  They made a larger dinner later, at 'regular' dinner time. 

Did finish the 'smurf blue' bag just a few minutes into starting the market yesterday, and started another one.  I've been thinking about other things to make to bring to the market - dishcloths and potholders and so forth...   I've been thinking of what to do with the cone of cotton yarn I bought and looking at ideas on Pinterest for different textures and designs.  I like some of the fancy things I see but they aren't practical things, wall hangings and such - and for sale as art is one thing, but for myself I like it to be something with a purpose and something that can be washed and used.  Most of what we are selling lately is plants - begonia and coleus, and a few 3D printed things Mark has made.

I did French, and Spanish, and Danish today, and played a bit more on the farming game to get it into the Winter months, and start being able to have cows, make cheese and so forth.  

Mark caught Loki sleeping in the downstairs bathroom sink - and asked me to sneak up on him with the camera.  But, he heard me coming!  I had posted that he is our 'Batman' because of the little double cloak shape that is on the back of his neck.