It's been one of those mornings, I've already poured about a quarter cup of olive oil on bread and chicken, with maple syrup. That is a sign that the anxious 'I'd like to think something but it will take SO much effort to STOP when I get started...' feelings are based more in just finances and weather.
I thought for a while that my stories for 'The House of Sunlight' had been lost, and was feeling this empty void that I could not write them again, but needed to 'feel' them again, at the same time. But, Mark found them in a directory I would not have looked in. 'The One Hundred' is a philosophical statement that I needed to hear again, a journey of despair that turns into one of recognition of the journey - and knowledge that we need to look outside the current situation that looms upon us to realize something 'higher' - wherein possibilities begin.
Much better than picking up Moon Palace again, and throwing it against the wall (Paul Auster does that to me), or trying to read 'In the Night Country' for the fourth attempt and shutting it down after a chapter again...
And it brings me back, through a few jumping ideas, to the white room hypothesis. All this clutter around me, but I can't clean it up, because then I lose it. Try to organize, but then feel it is futile, because nothing really works.. and I lose things, and then woe about having too many things, things wouldn't get lost if there were just fewer things, but that doesn't work in 'real life', not like the Pinterest images of minimalism or the blogs etc.
I'm at one of those 'walking the ridge' places - I know so far, at least, I've got my eye on the path and we're getting there... but at the same time I feel like we could fall at any minute. I know there is so MUCH I can do but there is so much I DO and yet sometimes it seems like it will amount to not enough, if not for the moment at hand, for the future because I didn't do the things, because I KEPT myself from doing the things.. or just didn't have enough energy at the end of the day.
Yesterday I walked up and down two long driveways to get responses for questions at my job - and this morning, walking up the stairs, I feel like Quasimodo, at least in the legs. Stepping over the old hound laying across the stairs feels like jumping a hurdle. The other day I went around taking pictures in the fog, and I felt like the Hunchback the entire time... dragging myself along, the dog staring at me asking 'Mom, why are you walking like that' Eventually, it kicks back over a gear and things straighten up.. but just sleeping extra long on one side sometimes my shoulder or knee gets out of joint, and then it takes some convincing to make it work properly, or just use it as it is... often use it as it is until some miracle moment it decides to pop back.. then enjoy the juxtaposition of the earlier discomfort against the now...
A little of this is the Ehlers Danlos syndrome. The drinking olive oil at 7 am is definitely the EDS.. although I can remember back to many specific moments when I felt terrible that about the only thing that sounded like it tasted good was olive oil and maple syrup. If the rain stops monsooning soon, and the sun shines, that will help some.
If the Universe gets back in order with this coronavirus and economy and everything being upside-down topsy-turvy, that will help a lot. Since I don't see the latter happening... I guess I dirnk the olive oil, then the coffee.